


Do You Remember?

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Attempt at writing gore, Biological sister Mikasa, Grisha is actually a good parent, High School, Jean is a bully, M/M, Non-Binary Hange Zoë, Reincarnation, Sexy flashbacks, Slow Build, Temporary Character Death, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, torture mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 00:59:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is nightly haunted with vivid, merciless dreams of what seems to be his previous life. When his family moves to Trost in hopes of a better life, familiar figures start appearing before him, but frustratingly enough, nobody seems to remember anything. It is then that Eren is reunited with his Corporal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Life

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be writing this fic along with "Chasing Rivaille" and while that might seem like an incredibly stupid idea, I really wanted to get this idea out of my head and yeah, I hope you like this as much (or even better) than CR. Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated!  
> Oh, by the wayyy.. my tumblr is captain-short-shit.tumblr.com if anyone wants to send me any love/hate/random ramblings
> 
> (EDIT: I have to warn you now, the first six or so chapters are pretty weird and contain a lot of odd, unbelievable character behavior/ useless gross sentimentality. I gringe whenever I read them now, so I'll applaud you, good reader, if by some miraculous chance you should make it out of that 6-chapter zone. Some of that stuff is painfully cheesy and borderline ridiculous, which I'd rather rewrite if I only could. This has been a PSA, thank you.)

“ _Armin,” I grumbled, my voice barely audible as I reached my hand out for the smaller boy lying next to me. Something had suddenly happened and I lost my titan form. I couldn't transform and I knew that my legs were gone even before I could take a look. There was a bloody battlefield all around us. Many of my friends had fallen. Too many of them had met their bloody ends. My eyes were swollen with tears as I tried heaving myself onward, towards Armin._

_“Eren!” Someone's rough voice called out to me. The voice was hoarse from yelling too much and whoever it belonged to was now rushing towards me, frantic footsteps echoing in my ears._

_I felt so tired. My blood-drenched fingers tried reaching for Armin's palms. I was met with a moist, hot sensation when my fingers drowned in a pool of his blood._

_Oh, right, there are no more palms to reach for... Instead, I raised my hand to caress the soft locks framing his sleeping face._

_You look so peaceful, I thought. I'm sorry that we won't be able too see the ocean after all. I sighed apologetically and tangled my fingers into his dirty, messy hairpiece. Why are you so quiet, Armin?_

_I was about to close my eyes when a figure appeared before me. The eyes that had usually been so cold, so judging, were now filled with horror and despair. Such an unfitting sight. I giggled at the man kneeling beside me._

_“Hey Corporal, don't make that face.” I stretched my free hand out to him. “It really doesn't fit you.”_

_“Stop talking, Eren.” Levi shouted hysterically. His voice broke midway, though and he clutched my hand with his trembling fingers. “You're going to get better. You're going to heal soon, right Eren?”_

_I smiled to him gently. “It's no use, Corporal. It's too late already..” His eyes widened, taken aback by my answer._

_“Eren!” He shouted. “Eren! No, Eren! Don't you fucking dare!”_

_My hand went limp between his now bloody fingers._

 

_*_

 

Even though it happened weeks ago, I can precisely recall the evening that father came home late from work, looking as exhausted and worn out as he always did. His job at the clinic was extremely time-consuming and put a heavy, stressful load on his shoulders. Grisha didn't often get home before midnight, and by that time the old man was too tired to even eat dinner. Despite all that, mother always waited for him. She would sit on the couch for hours, waiting for that one text message from Grisha that would say 'I'm done, heading home now'. And then she would smile, even though the lids of her tired eyes were heavy and dark from the lack of sleep. When Grisha got home, mother would kiss him gently and praise the man for working so hard. Nobody exactly knew why Carla was being so persistent, but I always thought that since she didn't work, mother might have felt quilty in front of Grisha. Maybe she felt as if she was pressuring him to work harder. She never said anything about it though, and it had become the way that we lived now. Father financially supported the entire family, making sure that there was food on our table, even though he rarely got to eat beside that table himself.

But that night he came home with a little flash of something flickering in his normally so tired eyes. We couldn't tell what it was at first, but as he greeted us with a wide smile that evening, we realized that the something had been hope. Hope for a new start, hope for a better life. That's when Grisha said that we would move.

The incredulous looks that we had given him then were riddled with shock and bewilderment. He had sat down at the dinner table and beckoned us to join him. Then Carla served food and Grisha actually ate. After all those years of that agonizing daily routine that would have eventually dragged him to his early grave, Grisha actually ate an entire plate of mashed potatoes that Carla had made for me and Mikasa earlier that day.

As it turned out, he had been offered a better position at a hospital in Trost. The pay was much higher than what the clinic provided him with and Grisha had accepted it without second thought. It was finally our chance to get out of Shiganshina. A chance to enjoy peaceful middle-class life in the inner district.

While Carla and Mikasa wore the most beautiful smiles that they ever had and joined their hands together to dance across the floor, I tried my hardest to stay optimistic.

 _Moving is a good thing_ , I tried assuring myself. _Father would get to be home more, everyone would be happier and we could afford nicer things. You could even get a cellphone. So what are you pouting for, you asshole?_ I knew that everything was going to be better and life would become easier, but despite all that I felt massive dissapointment when I'd realized we would have to sell the house. I didn't even have any friends in the school here, but I had grown attached to this place. Mainly because I was born in this house and grew up in it. After all this time it would be so hard to let go. The thought of living peacefully in a new, different home seemed alien and impossible at that moment. Despite all those opposing thoughts that were circling my mind, for the sake of the family, I kept my mouth shut.

*

Mikasa tugged at her scarf with an unusual shaky, haphazard motion. For a thirteen year old girl, she was very composed and calm about even the most serious matters. Maybe even too much. I'd heard the other girls at school didn't want to talk to her. And even though she was always so unshakable and collected, I could clearly see excitement evident on her face. Even her small, petite hands were trembling slightly as they gripped the red scarf tighter and tighter with every breath that she took.

It had taken me some time to acknowledge Mikasa as my biological little sister. Not that I disliked her, it was actually quite the opposite(I adore and admire her with all my heart). It was just that between reality and the mercilessy vivid dreams that haunt me at night,- dreams of another time, of events that according to the history lessons in my middle and high school had occurred about two thousand years ago – I had grave trouble differentiating the two. At first I had been confused as to why she was younger than me in this new life. Until I realized that I did not sight her corpse among the many others on _that_ day and that she had most likely outlived me. The thought that even Mikasa – humanity's second strongest, the head of our class – could be defeated made my chest ache. But, _that_ was in the past. Right now, it wasn't _my_ life, but someone else's. I'm no soldier, solid proof of that being the lack of muscles that I so clearly remember being evident on my arms, legs and chest.

I knew that I was a human who could become and control a titan's body. I knew that I did battle countless times for humanity's sake. And even though I eventually had perished, knowing that mankind had succeeded in taking out the titans was more than enough comfort for me. I _mean, they must have succeeded. There are no titans anywhere right now. The world is at peace._

Although, the curiosity kept eating away at me. I wanted to know what happened. How did humanity claim their victory? What became the final blow that drove the titans away? When I had tried asking Mikasa about it, I received a questioning stare in return. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Eren. Are you high?” -That's what Mikasa had said. She didn't remember anything, and I didn't have any solid proof that _everyone_ could be reincarnated in this time. Were my dead comrades alive and walking this Earth right now? Or had the rule only applied to our family? There were just too many questions and no one was here to answer them for me. I let out a dissapointed sigh. The next thing I knew was that the moving van pulled up in the driveway and the engine was turned off.

We got out of the vehicle and I realized that my entire body was painfully stiff from the three-hour drive. Taking sweet time to stretch my tired limbs, I heard Carla's voice ringing through the air.

“Eren, Mikasa. Help us carry these boxes in!” The tailgate of the van opened and I let out a small sigh.

Being born into a poor family has it's own perks too, I thought. There were a few boxes and a few pieces of furniture and that was it. We were done in no time, even though I was a bit distracted when I found myself glaring at the new house over and over again. It was certainly nicer and bigger than our last one, but it wasn't anything too pricey or luxurious. Supposedly, there were three bedrooms on the second floor, since Grisha had figured that me and Mikasa were too old to sleep in the same room any more. On the first floor, there was a kitchen, a bathroom, and a decent-sized living room. When I finally dragged myself up the flight of stairs, I hesistantly looked at the first door that was supposed to open to my bedroom. Reluctantly, I gripped the doorknob and pushed the door open.

The entire room was basked in sunlight and with slight frustration I had to admit that our cramped cubby-of-a bedroom back at home paled in comparison. This room actually had enough room for a desk and even a closet. I threw my bag on the bed and realized, with horror, that it was Sunday. Starting tomorrow, I would have to attend the overly prestigious Trost High. Mikasa would enter it next year, for now she would be attending the local middle school. In the car, I had given her a short pep talk about how she should be more open and outgoing. And that interacting with people will do her good. At that statement, Mikasa had mumbled something about me not having any right to say those kinds of things to her. _Touché, Mikasa._

The rest of the day was spent trying to settle in and adjust.

When night finally arrived, I was so tired that I couldn't even walk in a straight line anymore. Clomping around the house, I retreated to my room and got under the covers of a bed in a home I couldn't bring myself to call mine just yet.

*

 

_His hand was smaller than mine, but it was surprisingly rough as the slender fingers entwined with mine. I let my gaze wander over his face once more. After all, I felt like I was more than allowed to do that now._

_“Hey, Eren.”_

_“Hm?” I hummed absent-mindedly, burying my face into the man's neck, taking in his scent and rejoicing in it._

_It had been almost a week since the last time that I could touch him, and now that the opportunity was in front of me I wasted no time in planting small, gentle kisses all over his neck and exposed shoulders._

_“Don't get too cocky now, brat. Do you have no self-control at all?”_

_I smiled into his neck and chuckled softly, wrapping my arms around his sides and pulling him even closer._

_“I can't help it. It has been too long.”_

_“I suppose it has.”_

_The bed creaked under us as he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed us both down on the sheets. I noted that he was being unusually delicate today. Almost like something was off._

_“How are you feeling?” he muttered before I could even contemplate any further, but then the realization hit me. He was genuinely worried about my well-being._

_“I'm completely fine,” I said assuringly. “It has already grown back, too. I feel no pain.” I beckoned at my left arm that had been penetrated earlier today. Even though it had been necessary for some analysis, Levi felt guilty for having to do it himself. I found that to be extremely adorable and raised my head to nuzzle his ear._

_“That's good then.” he breathed, the tone of his voice suddenly dangerous. “You won't mind if I rough you up a bit tonight, then?”_

_As I wrapped my legs around his muscular back, I realized that the situation was actually quite the opposite._

*

It was six-thirty in the morning and I stiffly stood at the bus station, looking like a statue. The air was cold and merciless as it bit at my exposed cheeks which had long ago turned red from the temperature. My attempt at taking cover by pulling the collar of the thin coat to my lips proved pointless, as the clothing just slid back into it's original position. An icy gust of wind had startled me, and I almost stumbled over my own feet. _What a perfect start to a perfect day_ , I thought sarcastically as I watched the bus roll in from around the corner of the street.

After the painfully long, swaying ride to school, I was physically prepared to lay down on the pavement and drift back to dreamland right away. However, I managed to brush these trivial desires away and lazily rubbed my swollen, goudy eyes.

When I entered through the metal gates to the courtyard, the first thing that I took note of was that the building was _huge._ It had to be at least three times bigger than the high school in Shiganshina. Naturally, there would be more students too. It was a bothering thought.

The crowd had already started to gather which caused me to realize that there were only roughly ten minutes until the first classes would start. I slipped through the main doors before I even remembered that I had no idea where to go. I had my timetable with me, but the numbers of the classroom doors scribbled down on it with feminine handwriting said nothing to me. Anxiously looking around for someone harmless-looking to approach, my eyes met with those of a petite, blonde-haired boy. The light blue eyes were questioningly staring back at me. There was some unknown form of familiarity in those ocean-blue irises, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Gingerly, the boy started creeping closer to me, his eyes still locked with mine. When he had advanced close enough, his mouth opened and formulated words.

“H-Hello.” The boy was as anxious as I was. Knowing that, I relaxed a bit. But still, the boy's appearance, stance and even his voice sounded too familiar to be coincidental.

“Hey.” I replied, boring my eyes into the stranger. _Where have I seen your face before?_

The smaller boy nervously twitched. “I saw you looking confused and well, I've never seen your face before and- uh,- are you a freshman?” He was studdering like crazy and I was surprised that he had even worked up the courage to talk to me. My face softened and I gave him a friendly smile.

“No. I'm a sophomore, but this is my first year in this school.” He looked slightly confused for a mere moment, so I added “My family recently moved here from Shiganshina.”

The blonde boy's face lit up. “Oh, you're in my class then!” He reached out his hand in introduction.

“Very pleased to meet you,” I was slightly taken aback by the sudden confidence in his voice. “My name is Armin Arlert.”

My eyes widened in sudden realization.

_Oh my god._


	2. Titan boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During lunch period, Eren overhears a strange argument between some shady figures and someone that Armin refers to as "Titan boy". The strange case of Titan boy comes to an interesting conclusion in history class. Eren is quite the train wreck.

 

“So,” I said, pushing a dark blue lunch tray along the sleek countertop of the school caffeteria. “You were born here?” We were slowly making our way by all sorts of foods. The line was long and occasionally some god damn idiot would make a mess, resulting in either spilled vegetables or sticky spots on the counter. Accidentally brushing the side of my hand against one such “spilling”, my face twisted into a grimace. Must have been milk or something. Definitely not water.

“Ah, yeah.” Armin nodded, reaching his hand out for green salad. Lifting some onto his plate, the blonde nonchalantly added “Never got along with the local kids though, they used to bully me a lot.”

 _Here too_ , I thought, and took a mental note. Ever since my first encounter with Armin this morning I had been trying to get seemingly useless information out of him and comparing the facts with those of the “other world”.

He's the same age as me, although his birthday is a few weeks later. I'm wondering if there's some kind of factor which affects the time that a person is reincarnated? No, in fact, this confirms the theory I had with Mikasa, who is two years younger than me presently. Mine and Armin's date of death is the same.. thus us being the same age. But why are there some weeks separating our birthdays then?

Letting my head lull back for a second, I tried to remember the day of _that_ mission. _What day was it? Monday? Or no, was it Thursday? Shit, I can't remember. What year was it? Fuck, something around 800. I was an adult, right? Can't remember._ I ran my hand over my aching forehead. I can remember the events, the faces, but not the dates? The last few years of my life had been a blur.If only there was someone else, someone who remembered...

•

“ _You need to promise me this,” I whispered, still clenching onto the hand that was trying to pry free from my tightening grasp._

_“Promise that you'll stay alive.” The voice that escaped my lips was unfamiliarly weak, shaking with fear, desperation. I was so truly scared. So why were his eyes still so cold, so judging? Why didn't he assure me that everything would be well? Panic arose in me once again and I gripped his hand tighter._

_“Calm down, Eren.” his hand caressed my face, but it was so brief, so emotionless. I couldn't tell if he hesitated to touch me or not._

_“I'm serious!” I said, the tone of my voice ragged and silent. Burying my face into his neck, I hoped in my naivete that he would truly embrace me._

_But he wouldn't. Not here, with the risk of being seen. He couldn't afford to let any of the Survey Corps members know about us. It was his one weakness that was supposed to remain a secret forever. Or maybe he really was just toying with me for his own amusement. I did not care. I was blinded with my own adoration for him, for my beloved Corporal._

_“This mission is a gamble, I agree. I can't say for sure what will happen.” he said, pushing me away, some form of hesitance still glowing back at me from the deep greys of his eyes. “But I can tell you this - I am not planning on dying today, and you won't either. It's ridiculous to think otherwise.”_

_Ignoring everything that he had told me in the past months, every warning that he had given me, I wrapped my arms around his back so tightly, pulling his smaller body into mine, inhaling his scent. And for some reason, he didn't complain or pull away._

_And that really scared me._

_“I won't survive if you die.” His back was so warm under my palms. I hugged him tighter, in hopes of absorbing some of that warmth. Every part of my body ached from the cold, although the day was warmer than usual. My chest felt incredibly empty. His hands carded into my hair firmly, assuringly._

_“I won't die, brat.” In that moment, he was truly gentle. Almost inhumanly so._

•

“Eren.”

“Mm?” I mumbled, incomprehensibly.

“Eren!” Armin's slender fingers snapped in front of me as I completely jumped awake. An agonizing thought was that these “dreams”, if they could even be called that, had started appearing too often lately. Sometimes they were nice, sure. But then there were nightmares. Imagery of every last friend that I held dear dying, cities burning, children crying. _It's all a huge loop that repeats itself until one day I should die. Is death even a realistic concept anymore? Will I be reincarnated over and over, death after death, until it finally drives me insane? I should stop spazzing out during daytime, it's not normal._

Looking down at my tray, I found it being completely empty. We were almost to the end of the line too. All I could do now is grab a cold sandwich and a shitty beverage before we would be required to pay.

Eyeing the contents of Armin's tray with a wolf's hunger, I lazily reached my hand out for a tuna sandwich, which didn't look all that appetizing anyway. Either way, I wasn't exactly certain that I would manage to keep the food down anyway.

A loud clatter and the sound of shattering glass broke me out of my trance-like state. Armin clicked his tongue.

“They're going at it again.” He said dryly, gently shaking his head in disapproval, as we reached the register.

“What's going on?” I asked. Looking in the direction of the ruckus didn't help either. A crowd of at least fifty students were blocking my view. However, I could clearly hear the sound of someone yelling, the muttering of the crowd and eventually, someone from the cafeteria staff trying to break off the fight.

“Could be anyone, really.” Armin retorted. It was clear that whatever was happening, Armin wanted no part in it and certainly did not approve. “They're picking at “Titan boy” again.” The blonde let out a heavy sigh. “There's definitely going to be a fight later.”

The nickname of the unknown someone provoked my interest. “Titan boy? Why do they call him that?”

“I don't personally know him, but I've heard that he's obsessed with titanology and generally anything that relates to that particular time period. That he gives even the teachers trouble. Like, he says stuff that hasn't been confirmed by the history books and he's been accused of making up facts several times.” He slipped a five dollar bill over the counter and lowered his voice. "I've never talked to him, but nearly no one ever has. He's a bit...strange."

"Strange?"

"Intimidating, I guess. As if his face isn't scary enough already, he's always dressed in black. Has a ton of piercings too. I don't want to put any unjustified labels on anyone, but trust me, it's better to stay away from the entire 'Titan boy' ordeal."

When Armin found me gaping at him, he sheepishly added "Should we sit?"

From then on, he avoided the subject and we went on to eat lunch in a quiet corner table for two. I somehow managed to devour the cold (and kind of wet) sandwich without gagging much. Never particularly liked fish. Time to time I would glance at Armin. I knew what he thought of me: for him I was just a boy he'd met today, a new friend that he'd made. Surely he was glad of my presence, because throughout the entire lunch break no one walked up to him, greeted him or generally paid any attention to him. I felt sympathy for him, sure, but I sure as hell would have appreciated it more if he'd recognized me right from the start, the way I had. But he didn't have the memories. I knew that I would need to build this relationship up from the scratch and maybe it would take a long time before he'd even dare to place his trust in me. As disheartening as that was, I was nevertheless happy to be there with him, to have my best friend back. Making small talk, I realized that we still had a lot in common. Maybe things would finally start going my way.

 

For my next class, which was supposedly history, I had to unwillingly part ways with Armin, who said he was supposed to have math next. He did, fortunately, lead me to the appropriate floor and give me a short motivational speech. Then, after shortly squeezing my hands, he left, promising that we'd meet again after this class.

Keeping that slightly comforting thought in mind, I and the rest of the students waiting in the hallway started pouring into the classroom. I sort of stood there awkwardly until everyone else had taken a seat, so that I wouldn't accidentally end up taking someone else's desk. I finally plopped myself down behind the third desk from the door. The wooden surface was scraped, it had been repeatedly drawn on and there was fresh (probably from today) gum stuck under the desk. Magnificent. _I could do much worse._ Carefully looking around, I was relieved upon realizing that none of the people in the classroom had a face like they knew me before. This day had been too long as it was. I couldn't wait for it to be over.

The teacher was an elderly woman with short white hair that was set into a nice tidy bun and a suit jacket with matching pants. Something like a normal teacher would look like. When she entered, most of the class fell silent. I took some time studying her before noticing that her clever narrow eyes were fixated on me instead.

“Ah, young man. Would you mind coming up here and introducing yourself? I don't believe I've ever seen you in my classroom before.” The woman had a kind smile and a gentle voice while speaking those words to me, so I felt inclined to go. I hadn't obviously met all the teachers yet, but none of them had so far given off the feeling that they were actually interested in their subject. This woman radiated her love for history and teaching. You could even say she had a grandmotherly feel to her.

Some punk next desk to me exchanged whispers with his friend. “I bet the old hag wouldn't remember even if it were one of us.” The friend chuckled at that apparently extremely funny joke. Jerks like these are why I hated school. _You can never just let the teacher do their work in peace, can you?_ I balled my fists and quietly moved to the front of the class. It really was a huge school after all. I was met with around twenty pairs of eyes boring into mine at once.

Since I hadn't done this before – the whole self introduction thing – I found myself a little short for words, but surprisingly managed to successfully blurt out an average introduction that you would give to someone you didn't really want to talk to, but kind of had to.

“Hi, everyone. Uhm, my name is Eren Jaeger, my family just moved here from Shiganshina. I have a younger sister named Mikasa and, uhh, that's pretty much it.”

For a fraction of a second, I thought I heard someone choking. A few hushed whispers were exchanged. I probably didn't want to hear what they had to say. Shiganshina is widely known for being “the poor district”.

“Well, that's nice. I'm miss Burlow and I'll be your history teacher from now on. Have a seat please, ah what was it again, Eren?”

I nodded to the grandmotherly Ms. Burlow and took my seat again, getting an odd feeling of being stared at. It was like a gaping hole in my lower stomach, like something was chewing at my insides. I flailed my head around nervously, only to notice that everyone in the classroom was either looking at the teacher with anticipation, talking to eachother or poking at their cellphones. Cellphones. _God, I'm still hoping on getting one soon. Better not let anyone know I don't have one yet._ Trost was a mainly middle-class area, if not for the few larger houses in the outskirts. The stunning nature and a wide variety of shops made Trost's outskirts a desirable location for higher classes to settle.

“Actually, Eren, you've come at a very interesting time.” The old woman added, slowly making her way to the blackboard. “For the next following month or so, we will shortly be covering titanology, and the events that occurred over two thousand years ago in this very exact location.”

I hated when teachers directly addressed me in front of the class, but my head perked up at the word “titanology”. In Shinganshina, my freshman year had briefly covered the subject, and I was excited to learn what kind of information would be provided to students here.

The woman took a chalk between her petite fingers and scribbled something on the blackboard. That something soon began to resemble the three walls.

“When titans first appeared, they mercilessly exterminated humanity to near extinction and drove the remaining population to hide in the safety of these three walls.“ When the woman spoke, her voice and face changed completely. A sign that she was really passionate about the subject. Her eyes were dark from either disgust or horror, but had a strong glint to them. She reminded me of someone that I once knew. Someone else hungry for information and truth. That someone used to go by the name Hanji Zoe. To be honest, I didn't know what had happened to her.

“Can anyone name the walls for us?” Letting her eyes wander over the class, she finally stopped on me. Probably her intention all along, but I didn't have any problems with it.

“Mr.Jaeger?”

“The larger outer wall named Wall Maria was 480 kilometres in radius and 50 metres in height like the other walls. In the year 845 it was breached by the Colossal Titan, who kicked a hole in the city gate of Shiganshina, and the Armored Titan, who broke through the gate of Wall Maria. After that the wall was lost to titans. Soon humanity was faced with food shortages, so a mission was conducted to recapture Wall Maria using refugees. That didn't succeed, obviously, and humanity suffered disastrous casualties. The food shortage improved, though.

The middle wall – or Wall Rose – was 380 kilometres in radius. It was breached by the Colossal Titan on the year 850, but...” I took a fraction of a second to think about whether or not I wanted to say this. “..the hole was re-sealed with a boulder.”

“Wall Sina was only 250 kilometres in radius. The King and higher classes resided inside these walls. The wall was protected by the Military Police, who served the King and kept order. The Female Titan was captured in the Stohess district inside Wall Sina as underseen by the Survey Corps commander Erwin Smith and with the help of the Military Police.”

I fell silent as I noticed the rest of the class staring at me. Ms.Burlow's eye twitched slightly. The woman sighed heavily and turned her attention back to the blackboard, to write down the names and other minor details.

“Very nice, Eren.” She dryly said. “Maybe a little overdone, but informative in conclusion.” _Oh shit,_ I only thought. Without even thinking I had upset her, and drawn unnecessary attention to myself. I barely heard it, but some kids from pretty nearby whispered “For the love of god, not one of those again.”, “I'm pretty sure that's what _he_ said last year..”, “You gonna go make out with Titan boy, Jaeger?”

I clenched my teeth so hard that the small bit of lip caught between my jaws bled. As the blood smeared all over my front teeth and the rusty taste exploded in mouth, my body tensed up. Then relaxed again. I knew that this wouldn't do anything anymore, but I was so desperately thinking of making these retards pay for what they said that _just for a second_ I was actually convinced in my ability to transform. _My heart is beating so fast._

Using the back of my hand to wipe away the blood covering my bottom lip, I realized that a familiar name had been called out just before. “Titan boy”, was it? _Is he in this class now?_ Looking around in the classroom, I came to the conclusion that none of the kids here looked like they could have been really educated at the matter of titans. Looking either bored or really stupid, most of them didn't leave an above average impression. The ones that looked like they were paying even a little attention were probably honour students who felt obligated to.

Ms Burlow had drawn a rough sketch of something that supposedly was a titan, but really looked like an overweight middle-aged man.

“Titans were classified by their size and intelligence. For example, there were 3-6 meter class, 7 meter class, 8-14 meter class and the 15 meter class. The Colossal Titan was the first known titan that could have looked over the wall, being 60 metres tall. None of the usual titans possessed intelligence, however, there was a special deviant class, which acted a little differently and had special abilities, for example enhanced speed. It wasn't known if they were intelligent, but due to their unorthodox behaviour, they were the most unpredictable and therefore considered the most dangerous class before the year 845. Who knows why that is?”

It sickened me that no one even bothered to answer. Disinterested faces, half-shut eyes, the beeping of electronic devices. I'm not sure if anyone had even paid attention to the question. For some reason, the youth's disinterest in the subject that I was so closely bound with frustrated me deeply. No, you could even say I was enraged. I'd witnessed the suffering, the deaths, the poverty. It had all been so horrible, yet barely no one in this period of time gave a fuck anymore.  _All right then,_ I thought and was ready to raise my hand, just when from the other side of the classroom, right below the window, a bony hand with long, slender fingers shot up in the air.

I couldn't see the person who the hand belonged to, but I could see the look on Ms Burlow's face. _What's with that attitude? You should be happy that there's someone willing to answer your questions or even listen to what you have to say._

A heavy sigh escaped her tired lips. “All right, you can answer, Levi.”

In that second, my whole body jerked back, the knuckles of both hands turned white as my hands roughly gripped the edge of the desk. The blood vessels in my head were throbbing so loudly that I could barely focus on my own breathing, which had now become ragged and painful. My chest hurt like it was going to explode. I felt like if I let go of the desk, took a breath or even moved a muscle, I'd scream out from the top of my lungs and make a complete fool out of myself because even now I was _hardly_ repressing my emotions. No other thought could enter my head, and even if it lasted just for a millisecond, all I could think of was

_This isn't possible. Is it?_

Without even daring to turn my head, I kept staring at the back of another student seated in front of me. I couldn't even consider the possibility that my fears might be coming true and that it was really _him_. That he really was here in this time with me now. I had been waiting to meet him my entire life. I was both devastated and elevated. My pulse had never been more unsteady. A sickening lump started forming in my throat. 

_No, that's a retarded thought._

For some reason, what followed next was the screech of a chair being pushed away from the table. He was going to stand up. I sensed that I didn't even have it in me to breathe. Not even daring to look, frozen in place like a statue, no longer able to breathe, I was waiting for that something to burst my delusional bubble and send me back to reality.

But when that very same soft, monotonous voice that I knew so well by heart began to ring through the classroom, I was forced by some unreal power to tear my eyes from the back of the girl seated in front of me and to the person speaking at that very moment. My eyes widened in shock.

It was him.

It really was my beloved Corporal. Nothing had changed while everything was different. He stood there in his full glory. Right there, in the same room, breathing the very same air as I was. I could have run to him and grabbed him right into my arms if I wanted to. The only thing that was probably holding me back from doing so was the shock that made my whole body shake with small convulsions. I was literally trembling for the first time in my life and I thought I was really going to collapse. His head was facing the teacher. I got a good look at his profile: his jawline, his nose, his lips and his eyes.

The black bags under his eyes were gone. No, not gone. They were lighter. His hairstyle was similar to what I remembered, only if slightly messier. I noticed three piercings in his right ear which was facing me. Generally, he was dressed in dark shades: A black t-shirt which nicely brought forth the muscles adorning his arms. Grey cargo pants covering his legs which ended in a pair of combat boots. He was extremely endearing in every way and then the thought hit me.

_He probably doesn't remember._

Putting in a tremendous amount of effort to move my eyes away from his surprisingly well-endowed body to his face, I realized that I had paid no attention at all to what he had said. But whatever it was that he had been saying, I knew he was done as soon as his lips closed and his head slowly ticked to the side.

When his eyes met mine, all I could do was stare back like the idiot I was, jaws wide open and head still spinning with thoughts that stopped me from fully comprehending the situation that I was faced with.

He was here. My Corporal had come back to me. He was younger, sure. The emotional burden that had been the Survey Corps was not eating away at him in this world. His face still as emotionless as ever, but the brows that I remember being so furrowed they could almost meet in the middle of his face were relaxed and resting in their rightful positions above his eyes. His eyes..

Were just as dark and mysterious as I remembered them being. I could tell that he was wearing eyeliner, and how well it contrasted with his pale skin. His eyelashes were terrifyingly long, and way thicker than I remembered them being, seeming almost unnatural for a fifteen year old boy to possess.

Before I even came to my senses, he had taken his seat again, and the chatter in the classroom continued as usual. What bothered me, however, was the way that he kept staring at me. I'm not denying that my eyes weren't glued to him as well, but there was something incredibly dangerous about it. His eyes were burning, and so were mine. The air had suddenly become very heavy and I had trouble breathing properly once again.

I'm pretty sure our mutual stare lasted until the bell rang out of class. Before I could even stand up, Levi had his bag flung over his shoulder and he was out of the classroom in a flash, without looking back for once.

That bothered me, of course, and I started pushing through the crowd desperately, nudging and pushing anyone that got in my way. I might have accidentally hit someone between the ribs, and maybe they were blurting out some serious obscenities at me as I forced my way through.

“W-wait!” I yelled to his figure, which was now disappearing behind the corner. I wasn't going to let him go again. Not a chance. Last time he might have gotten away easily, when he'd shamelessly lied to me about neither or us dying. I called bullshit on him then, and I'm doing it again. He won't get away again. Not here, in this world.

 


	3. A lonely world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no excuse for always updating so late and I'm terribly sorry this isn't normal at all.

I took a right turn at the end of the hallway, ran down the stairs, turned left and froze in place. _No. Shit._ I'd lost sight of Levi shortly after I'd crossed the door frame and even now I hadn't been able to catch up to him. I'd barely ever had any exercise so I'd break a sweat at the slightest exertion. I had no idea which way he could have gone. Did he head to his next class? Out of the building? If so, which stairs did he take? The place was huge and I found myself reluctantly admitting defeat. There was no way I could have possibly found him under these circumstances. I settled with the thought that it wouldn't be the last time that I'd see him: he still attended this school, he would be back tomorrow. And now I knew that we had mutual history lessons.

Hands rested on my knees and panting, I found myself startled by Armin's confused voice as he emerged from a nearby classroom. The door was open, so, in my defense, I really didn't hear him coming.

“Eren? Eren, are you okay?”

“Yeah, totally fine.” I say as I catch my breath, straightening my back. Armin's confused look turned into an amused grin.

“In a hurry?” the blonde smiled, a certain hilarity reflecting on his face. I decide that it's best to avoid trying to come up with a reasonable explanation, unless I'd want to end up with something like “Oh nothing much, I was just chasing down my boyfriend who I've never actually met yet.” He probably didn't expect me to answer that question anyway. Instead I cast a curious look at the empty math classroom behind him.

“How was class? Do you usually leave after everyone else is gone or just today?”

“The lesson was fine, albeit a bit repetitive. And no,” he smiled sheepishly. “I was cleaning the blackboard on teacher's request.”

“Ah,” I simply say and nod in agreement. I could now see why he wasn't popular with the other students. Not that it was a problem for me, obviously. The teacher's pet was what he had been during our time in the cadet corps as well, but back then no one had really made a big deal out of it. Really shows the difference between generations then and now. Back then, concerning yourself with killing titans and trying to make the best of your abilities was highly praised among the cadets, nowadays they'd just ridicule and laugh at you for showing interest in something you really care about. Just like Titan boy, I thought, and for the third time today I caught myself thinking about him.

I really wanted to meet him, ask him what drives his interest and either confirm or put down his apparent 'theories that aren't written down in the books'. I was curious because that's exactly how I'd been treated at my last school, a mistake that I'd better be careful not to repeat here in Trost. That's when it crossed my mind: Titan boy could be someone that's been reincarnated, just like myself. But unlike Armin, Mikasa and my parents, someone with actual memory, someone who could shed light on this situation and confirm that I'm really not insane.

“Armin,” I suddenly say as we start making our way through the hallway.”I want to meet Titan boy.”

“Why?” he demands, voice indifferent.

“I'm just curious.” It's the truth, but not all of it. He doesn't need to know. Armin lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Didn't you already, though?” he adjusts the strap of the beige satchel over his shoulder and tucks a strand of blonde hair behind his ear. “I saw him going into your history class.”

My eyebrows furrow in confusion. “What?” I breathe, trying to collect my thoughts. “Are you totally sure?” History had been way too eventful for me, and honestly I'd already forgotten every individual face in the classroom. All but Levi's, and the teacher's, if that mattered. I tried to remember what Armin had said about Titan boy in the first place.

_ "Intimidating, I guess. As if his face isn't scary enough already, he's always dressed in black. Has a ton of piercings too.” _

Realization hit me like a brick.

_ Levi is Titan boy. _

I remembered his dark clothing, his pierced ear, the eyeliner that so beautifully contrasted with his pale skin. Back then I couldn't think of anything but how incredible he was and how unrealistic us finally meeting was. Now, putting more thought into it, I could actually see how people could find him 'intimidating' or 'scary', as much as I didn't want to admit it myself.

“Oh,” is all that leaves my mouth as I felt my face twisting into irresolution. For a while I try to think of something to say, but I knew that we were supposed to start heading to the next class very soon, or face the consequences of being late.

Armin looks at me from the corner of his eye and probably thinks I didn't catch him doing it. He then lets out a nervous laugh and rubs the nape of his neck.

“Look, if you really want to find him, I think he hangs out behind the school during breaks and free periods, smoking or whatever. He's probably there now.”

I winced noticeably. Knowing how harmful they are to the body, I'd always stayed away from alcohol, drugs and cigarettes (not that I would have had any way to obtain these things back in Shiganshina, being friendless and poor) so anyone who chose to do otherwise had become an instant fat 'no' in my eyes. The fact that Levi, already at this age, apparently smoked troubled me a lot, but I  _ really  _ needed to talk to him. I was going to need to confront him eventually.

“I'm going now,” resolutely left my lips. Hopefully Armin wouldn't be able to recognize the slight waver in my voice.

He looked at me as if I'd just thrown a rock into a window. “But class starts in two minutes. You'll be late for sure. And he might have left already.”

“Then I'll just pin my hopes on that he hasn't!” I said as I turned around and rushed down the stairs, leaping two steps at once. I knew that Armin wouldn't try to stop me. He was still very insecure and careful. He'd already drawn the line, and anything that could result in possibly provoking or angering me was out of question. I was glad that I knew how Armin thought about these things, but bothered that it'll be a while before he'll really call me his best friend again. He'll worry for sure, and might scold me later. But he will understand. That had always been one of the things I've liked best about is character. He's the kind of person that will help you bury a dead body, all the while still judging you for making the call to pull the trigger. He knows people have their reasons and won't usually butt into anything that doesn't directly concern him.

I made it out the main door just as the bell rang. I hated having to skip class on my first day, but it's not like I'd ever been the kind of person to dwell on trivial things. Or so I thought, because as I ran around school grounds, circling the building, I recognized an uncomfortable feeling building up inside of me. I'd meet Levi and then what? What would I even say to him? Should I just introduce myself first or ask him directly whether he knows what's up? I felt my face burning up just at the thought of a potential embarrassing situation.

 _With Levi_. Suddenly, none of that mattered any more. My heartbeat fastened, certain that my chest could implode at any moment. Then I felt stupid for being afraid to embarrass myself in front of Levi. After all, he'd seen me in way more embarrassing situations.. My blush definitely grew deeper and I turned another corner.

Sure enough, looking around, I caught sight of a group of around dozen students forming a circle next to the dumpsters, talking. Some of them had cigarettes in their mouths. Well, I hadn't expected to be lucky enough to find him sitting alone, anyway. Of course he'd have friends. As I carefully approached, however, I found out that the ongoing conversation wasn't as friendly and harmless as I'd thought at first.

“You're a little emo faggot, you do know that, right?”

“Hey, Jean, stop it.”

Someone clicked their tongue. “Haven't you had enough yet, Kirschstein?”

Almost ten meters from the crowd, I got a good look at everyone. Levi, seated down on the steps of an old concrete staircase and everyone else gathered around him. Surely enough, the bigwig of the group being none other than the reincarnated version of Jean Kirschstein.

“Ooohhhh nooooooo, please spare me!”

Just the sight of his horse face and the sound of his annoying voice made the hairs on my neck stand up. Furthermore, at that moment I became absolutely certain he didn't have the memories either. Jean might have been an asshole, but he'd never address a former superior officer, his own squad leader, in such a rude manner. This retard right here lacked any sense of honour or better judgement. To him, Levi was probably just another alienated kid who was easy enough to pick on.

“I see you've brought a larger posse this time, horse face.” Levi lifted the half-finished cigarette from his mouth and blew out smoke with a tired exhale, face indifferent. “Well, it doesn't matter. Most of you lot will be paying a visit to the infirmary after I'm done with you.”

Jean's hands folded across his chest. “You think you're tough shit, huh Titan boy? What was your real name again? Levi? Suiting name for a fucking faggot.”

I inhaled a sharp breath, my entire body bulbing with anger. Frantic thoughts raced through my head. _I could easily take him on. Knock him off his feet and keep punching where it hurts the most until he sees only white and stars. I'm sure I still remember everything I've learned during my cadet training, unlike horse face himself. The fact that he's slightly bigger than me won't change a thing if I use the right moves. I've been taught how to bring down a bigger opponent._

Fairly confident, perhaps overly bold, I clenched my fists, about to jump Jean from behind at any moment. Until I saw the look on Levi's face.

Completely nonchalant – with a hint of exhaustion evident - but otherwise unshaken, he let go of the cigarette between his fingers. Everyone watched in silence as the butt hit the ground and the tip of his boot in turn crashed down on the discarded cancer stick. Levi spat and stood up slowly, never breaking eye contact with Jean.

At this point I was surprised that no one had noticed me yet, and thinking of ways to use that to my advantage. _I could attack from behind, they wouldn't even expect me coming. But then again, there's so many of them. I'll be overpowered before long and probably end up with worse than just bloodied knuckles, a few bruises and a broken lip. It's a bad situation no matter how I look at it._

Before I could contemplate any further, Jean's legs were in the air and his back hit the ground. It was concrete, and I had about a second to contemplate how it must have hurt quite a bit before three others simultaneously jumped Levi. I literally shrieked, but no one paid me any attention. My face twisted into a pained expression at the struggle unfolding right in front of my eyes, but for some reason my limbs were the equivalent of stone pillars – I was horrorstricken.

The first guy got a fist in his face. The second ended up with Levi's boot logged in his gut. The third - a taller muscular guy - put up a resistance, but was shortly after kissing the ground.

After that, there were a few that stayed out of the fight. Almost everyone lunged at Levi, including Jean who got up momentarily after being knocked down. The attackers were mostly boys, but also some girls, - everyone of them had the same nasty delinquent look in their eyes - and all of them were trying to get a hit at Levi. He seemed to manage himself just fine, throwing his opponents left and right, but those bastards were persistent, and there were hardly any that stayed down after just a few punches.

I stood there like a statue, frozen in place, unable to move a muscle. I asked myself why, but didn't receive an answer. It wasn't until Jean, nose bloody and left eye bruised, reached for a piece of concrete that didn't quite classify as small. Levi wasn't focused on him either. If he got hit by that, even Levi would bleed, or worse, break something. My mouth went dry.

“Captain!” without thinking at all I lunged myself at Jean. When I landed on top of him, horse face fell over and hit the ground with a satisfying thud , but he was stronger than I'd expected and his reflexes were fast. He flipped me over, pushed me against the ground and bashed his fist right at my nose. Warm blood trickled down across my lips and chin. With a second's decisiveness, I bent my knee and hit the point I'd aimed for. Jean let out a gasp of pain when my knee connected to his groin and I used his moment weakness to get back up.

I was about to land a punch to Jean's unbruised eye until someone grabbed me by the hair and slammed me against the ground. It was an amateur move and lacked in technique, but I could barely regain composure when hot pain flooded my head. My hands shot up to cover the area that had just been struck, but as soon as I let my defences down, I was pinned against the wall by a boy twice my size. He studied my face in obvious confusion, obviously unable to recognize me as either friend or enemy, but I paid little attention to his ugly square mug and decided to spend the short moments of my enemy's confusion to quickly scan the surroundings. The fight had certainly decreased in numbers, most already fled or still lay on the ground, unable to get up or unconscious.

While my eyes darted around to look for Levi, I suddenly collapsed back to the ground, the guy who had had his hands on my neck getting introduced to a knee in his face. I wiped blood from my nose and stood up, using the wall as support. The adrenaline rush was insane, and I felt like I could do just about anything.

 _Jean isn't here anymore_ , I realized, and smirked victoriously. That bastard had probably run after I'd neutered him. I realized I was probably in horrible shape, but no one seemed to want to attack me at the given moment, so I leaned against the wall and let out a pained breath. My entire body hurt, muscles aching from both exertion and impact. Several points were bleeding. The fight had ended. Everyone was gone.

Or so I thought until I noticed Levi, hunched over, sitting on the concrete, fixedly staring at me. He had been battered too, but it didn't seem like he'd been seriously hurt. I felt really glad.

My lips turned into a tired smile. “Hey. You okay?”

“You're a fucking idiot. I should be the one to ask that.”

Still breathing heavily, I felt my forehead where it hurt the most. A sharp sting of pain and blood on my fingertips only further proved that I really was in bad condition. I let my hands fall to my sides. Well, it wasn't _that bad,_ and to be honest, I felt an overwhelming sense of victory accompanied by exhausted happiness. Horseface was sure to get suspended for at least a week now, and this gang fight wasn't probably his first offence. Moreover, me getting into such a fight on my first day definitely wasn't building me a good reputation.

Levi drew a deep breath. “So, are you the type to skip class and get into mass gang fights on your first day or did you have an actual reason to be here?” I couldn't tell if he looked amused or irritated. To be more precise, I couldn't read anything from his face at all.

I grinned, but something inside of my chest collapsed. “What do you think?”

“I think you're one stupid fucking idiot.”

A soft chuckle escaped my lips. “You're mean.”

Levi stood, dusting his pants. His expression was completely serious. “I'm not kidding. That Kirschstein kid is definitely not going to let this slide. You're not able to avoid an assault further in future anymore. He's going to rile those people up again and you've just earned yourself a special page in his burn book.” He reached a hand out, gesturing for me to get up. I hesitantly hooked my bloodied fingers onto his and let myself be pulled up by the strength of his arm.

Stretching my arms and various other hurting muscles, I realize I've yet to confirm the most important thing of all. “Well, I definitely don't regret getting involved. That asshole deserved it.”

Levi silently eyed me up and down with a curious look in his eyes, then averted his gaze and turned away from me. “Hey, did you call out to me before?” His voice was quiet, barely audible.

Just loud enough for me to catch it, though. “I did.”

Levi's fists clench at his sides. “Why did you call me that?”

Honest to god my heart sank down to my stomach. I stared at his back, trailing my eyes up to the nape of his neck and then to the dark strands of hair covering a perfectly trimmed undercut.

There was no way he would just unknowingly have the same haircut.

“I called you that,” I started, voice stuck in my throat. “Because it's rude for a subordinate to address their superior without a rank.” I stared intently at Levi's neck, looking for some signs of change.

His shoulders relaxed and head craned to look up. I wasn't quite sure what he was looking at – the sky was clear, without any clouds. It was cold, though. In fact, only at that moment I realized how god damn cold it actually was and I felt myself starting to shiver. Right, it was almost winter and I hadn't bothered to throw my jacket on in my hurry of getting to Levi.

“Um, Levi-”

“I see. Tell me something, Eren,” I flinched when my name rolled off his tongue. “How much do you remember?” His voice cracked mid-sentence.

My mouth was completely dry and voice hoarse when it pushed out of my throat. “I remember everything starting from my early childhood to my mother's death to my training years and becoming a titan shifter. I remember being taken in by the Survey Corps and placed under your care. I remember the guilt I felt for your squad's death and I remember that night when we first found comfort in each other. From then on I remember the betrayal, the deaths, the way my fingernails would dig deep marks into your back yet you never complained. It all comes to an end with the memory of Armin's last dying breaths and your scared voice above my head.” I breathed out as this burden left my shoulders. “I've been living with these..memories all my life, and no one around me remembers a thing. It hurts so god damn much, you know?”

I took steps forward until I reached him, and rested my hand on his shoulder. “Please say something.”

He began to turn slowly, until I was faced with his grey eyes. But they were wet and sorrowful, and I realized that he was crying. Warm tears rolled down Levi's cheeks and by the way that his face looked I could tell it was the first time he'd cried in a long while. I touched my hand to his cheek and let my thumb wipe away the tears flowing down the side of his face. I was about to voice my concern until Levi pressed his face into the crook of my neck and wrapped his strong arms around my back.

“Welcome back, Eren. It's been a lonely world.” Is all he said before giving in to his heartfelt sobbing.

 


	4. Who are we now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren reminisces on the past, stuff happens at school. Pretty much a filler, but hey, it's something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not even going to lie. I rewrote this chapter like three times and I'm not doing it anymore :D Enjoy!  
> My tumblr is captain-short-shit :3 feel free to leave a message!

Every so often for the past fifteen years there would be moments when I wasn't sure whether I was awake or still sleeping. Like sleepwalking – except, not at all. Stupidly enough, I have nightmares. Super realistic mind-haunting nightmares that still haunt me to this day. I've tried it all: sleeping pills, therapy, different kinds of tea and herbs. No matter what, though, I'm never left alone.

It wasn't until I was eight years old that I started viewing those freakishly real dreams at a different angle and my brain started re-labeling them as flashbacks of some sort. Not mine, just someone's. It wasn't until a few of the more important pieces of the timeline fell into place, that I started thinking someone was trying to tell me a story with me in the lead role. Although the story I was being told was definitely not suitable for kids, I started to get a kick out of it.

Sure, the events I was presented with made no sense in chronological order, and it took a while to figure out what was going on. But as time passed, I became seriously interested in the fantasy world unveiling in front of me. Nightmares were still nightmares, but from that point onward, I began to analyze every little detail. Every little name or place or date or event.

I hid a small dark blue notebook from my parents' watchful eyes into the depths of our desk drawer, piled under stacks and stacks of useless documents. And whenever I had another flashback, I'd take out the notebook and jot down everything that I thought to be of relevance at the time. Get my thoughts on paper. When I open the notebook now, some of the very first pages contain stuff like this:

_The walls. Shiganshina. Our world? I am there too. A̶l̶t̶e̶r̶n̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶i̶v̶e̶r̶s̶e̶?̶ In the past???_

_Blonde boy. Very smart. Wants to leave the walls._

_845 – the first wall falls. Historically correct._

_Big female one. What does it want? It killed a lot of people._

_There's something important in the basement._

_I'm joining the Survey Corps._

_Three dimensional maneuver gear. Weird flying contraption. C̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶. Historically correct. I know how to operate one. How cool is that!!!_

 

I briefly smile at the eight year-old me, despite the actual seriousness of the content and flip forward a few pages. Deciding by the date marked on the right top of the page, I realize that I must have been thirteen when I wrote those. The content is different by a long shot.

 

_I'm a titan._

_I got everyone killed._

_My mom is dead._

_Captain Levi – strong, short, kind of scary. He beat me until blood spewed from my mouth._

_There's a large crystal with one of my friends inside under one of the inner districts._

_What was in that syringe?_

_There are holes everywhere. I wish I knew more._

 

Then, a few lines of empty space.

 

_I can't keep doing this anymore._

 

I wince as my eyes read over the last sentence on the page. Around that time was when I paid visits to a psychologist for a few times, but stopped going eventually because the fees were unrealistically insane for us. The doctor had let me know that clearly whatever I was experiencing were probably just fruits of my imagination and that she could prescribe antidepressants if that would help. We also had to decline those and walk away with nothing but a certain fact : I was borderline insane.

My parents' behavior towards me became slightly more cautious, but they cut it out when I learned to conceal the panic attacks that I'd still constantly get in the middle of the night. Probably thought I was healed or something.

 

_A titan bit off my hand and leg. Except everything is still attached. It burns. I want to scream. Have to stay quiet._

_ Can experience dream feelings in real life. _

 

I stared scornfully at the underlined sentence. It was the first time that the flashbacks had carried over pain, but it hadn't been the last. Stuff like nausea, laughter and pleasure was easier to handle, but feel-flashbacks were still, definitely the worst.

 

_Woke up shaking with laughter. Jean's a fucking idiot, haha._

 

_The smell of my comrades' rotting corpses followed me into my day. I'm going to throw up._

 

_Captain Levi and I--_

A bunch of messy crossing out followed, making the text below impossible to read.

_Bedsheets had to be changed._

At that, I shut the notebook and cast it back into my desk drawer. I didn't even know why I brought that thing with me in the first place, or why I kept keeping record of everything regularly. It's not like I would forget anything I've seen anyway. The flashbacks aren't like regular dreams that go and are forgotten quickly. They stay with you for life. Almost like memories, but more persistent.

I bury my head into my hands. I only remove them five minutes later when I'm called downstairs for breakfast.

* * *

“How's the new school? Make any friends?” Mom had asked me yesterday, as soon as I'd come through the front door, before noticing my blood-smeared nose that I hadn't even bothered to hide from her. Needless to say, I was bombarded with questions that never seemed to run out. And I felt bad for worrying her, but all I could do then was tear my eyes away from her pale face and keep repeating the same words over and over. “I'm sorry.”

She was worried for my well-being, of course. But if there was something that absolutely devastated her, it was the fact I never got along with my classmates. Back in Shiganshina, it was regular for me to get into trouble constantly. Whether it was caused by my own social inaptness or for some reason the kids just didn't like me I did not know. I was always the kid who kept separate from everyone else.

Mother jokingly referred to that familial trait as 'the Jaeger social syndrome' _,_ since Mikasa was facing the same troubles now. “You get it from your father's side of the family,” she'd say so nonchalantly, and laugh it off. “He was the same when we first met.” Yet her eyes were always wet and her voice so weak when I'd come home, bruised and battered, with a suspension notice in hand more often than I liked to admit.

So when dad spoke that same question at the breakfast table, I noticed the slight worried curve of mother's eyebrow that had long ago become a familiar sight and the way her tense eyes pierced into my face and broke my heart every single time.

Mikasa was seated on my right, her slender legs tucked under the table, getting comfortable in a grey sweater and slippers. Her spoon tiredly circulated between the soggy pieces of oatmeal in her bowl, but her eyes shot up at the question directed towards me.

“Fine. It was fine.” I said quickly. Mother was never the type to nag much, (although she worried a whole lot more than was probably appropriate) but I certainly didn't need yet another one of father's moral stories. He'd probably heard already, anyway. Save myself the trouble.

He hummed softly and went back to his newspaper. I couldn't possibly not notice Mikasa's cocked eyebrow and the way she peered at me from the corner of her tired eyes. Her hair was still messy from the sleep, and, trust me when I say this, she is not a morning person.

“What happened to your nose? It's all swollen.” She kept her voice quiet when she leaned in for a whisper, although Grisha and Carla were already deep in their own discussion as dad was about to leave for the day.

I shot her a smirk, which probably looked way more nervous than it should have. “A fight.”

Under the table, the heel of her leg slammed into my tibia.

* * *

Turns out I do have most of my classes with Armin, and shamelessly I seated myself right beside him in English. We shared a pathetic greeting that suggested in no way that we were anything more than acquaintances. To break the ice, I made small talk.

“How was your morning?”

He didn't seem to mind me speaking during class, and retorted with a blunt “Okay.” Somehow his eyes didn't leave my face and around ten seconds later his mouth opened again. “Where did you go yesterday? I don't mean to pry, really. It's just that I heard Jean had gone to pick at Titan Boy again and we all know how those end up--”

“His name is Levi,” I interfered. “Yeah, I was there. Probably knocked some sense back into that horse face.” With a smirk and a sense of pride, I stuck my index finger up at the swelling spreading on my nose. “Got _this_ from him.”

Armin looked at me like I'd just presented him with a severed arm. “That's insane.” he muttered. “You're insane. Do you have any idea how big that guy's reach is?”

I stared at him with a pretended seriousness.

“I'm serious, Eren. If he wanted to, he could easily scrape up another ten different people and assault you again any minute he wanted to.” The tone of his voice changed from scolding to pleading. “Please stay out of trouble.”

The pitiful pleads of this world's Armin were literally worthless to me, but my mind was almost instantly struck with imagery of my blonde childhood friend with eyes like the ocean and a mind as bright as the sun, and my heart twisted with guilt. Even if it wasn't the same person, I didn't want someone who even merely looked and thought like him to be disappointed in me. It's true that memories and experience define a person, but in this case they were my memories, not his.

“Okay,” I said dryly. “I'll try.”

The instant relief washing over Armin's face smoothened his tense features and I discovered that I was relatively pleased with my own ability to lie. I was absolutely positive that if Jean bothered Levi again I wouldn't hesitate to kick his face in again. But for the time being, I wouldn't seek horse face out myself and ask for a beating, sure as hell.

“Anyway,” Armin straightened himself in his chair, and turned his eyes back to the blackboard, attentive to the teacher and whatever was leaving his mouth at the moment. Or so I thought.

“And? I'm guessing you probably talked to.. Levi, right?” His eyebrows furrowed in most likely pretended annoyance. “What was so important that you had to skip class anyway?” Armin was probably more curious than anything, the pout he was wearing only made him look ridiculous.

That's when I realized I didn't have a decent answer to give him. There was literally no explainable reason as to why I'd need to talk to a complete stranger anyway. I scratched the nape of my neck nonchalantly. “Not much, I guess.”

“What did you want to ask him?” His curiosity seemed to have no limits, and I could only guess what his take on the whole Titan Boy ordeal was. Maybe he thought that Levi's presence would rub off on me and that I'd come to class with my face bedaubed with black and a cigarette between my lips.

When I didn't answer his question and directed my eyes elsewhere, he let out a sigh. “Well, okay. It's really none of my business, sorry.” He opened his notebook and began to take notes on the history of English literature or something and while I couldn't give a damn about either Shakespeare or Spenser, I found that focusing on something else helps to clear my mind of unimportant thoughts. So I followed Armin's example and made an attempt at jotting down some of the more important sounding facts, while completely disregarding the information as a whole.

An hour passed. And two. And three. I mostly kept in close radius to Armin, not bothering to talk to anyone else except for some brunette girl who came over during third lesson to ask Armin for notes on last week's class. The girl had ordinary plain blue eyes and her chestnut hair was in two braids. She asked for my name and how I was liking the school in general. And when my answer had come out sort of forced and awkward, I noticed that Armin had no trouble interacting with the girl despite his own apparent social ineptness.

“I like girls. They mostly keep sappy thoughts to themselves and their faces aren't as threatening,” he said later with the smallest of smiles.

“Oh yeah?” I asked in a provoking manner. “What about me?” I pulled the ugliest grimace I could muster. “Does _this_ look threatening to you?” Despite getting smacked against my shoulder, we both laughed and it was the most heartfelt laughter I'd experienced in a while. I felt like slowly, human emotion had started to return to my body.

When third period ended, I picked up my bag and told Armin that I needed to use the restroom before next lesson started, and headed out. This time I was already more familiar with the different stairways, exits and whatnot. In two minutes I'd reached the back of the building, the same place I'd been yesterday.

Levi was there, holding a half-burned cigarette between his fingers, alone this time. When he heard me approach, he raised his head and I could read pure exhaustion on his face. The black bags under his gray eyes were definitely more defined than they'd been yesterday.

Without a word, I seated myself on the cold concrete and started fidgeting with my fingers, an action that had become a habit since early childhood. Pull on each finger, then rub the area around the thumb. Repeat. It had become so automatic that at first glance I couldn't even notice I was doing it again.

Levi took notice of my nervousness. “You okay?”

Staring darkly at the skin below my thumb, I carefully tested whether I could get a single solid word out of my mouth. “...Yes? Yes, I am. Probably.”

He shook ash to the ground in front of his feet, one eyebrow raised. “Cool.”

He somehow looked...cleaner today, and that's when I noticed the lack of make up. Yesterday, his face had practically been washed with black. Now that the only substance that had touched his face had probably been water, I noticed how young he really looked. I hadn't even born yet when he walked around the capital's underground with a face like this. I weirdly thought about our previous lives again, and definitely not at all about how I enjoyed his natural look better.

I wanted to say something, or ask him just about anything. After all, there were hundreds of questions that I needed to ask. But all we did now was sit in silence, and I knew recess would end soon. So, clearly, I'd begin the conversation by pointing out the most obvious thing that he probably already was aware of. “You look tired.”

Levi let out a flat chuckle. “Couldn't sleep too well.” Before I could comment or even think much about what he'd just said, he started anew. “ And, well, it just so happens I was summoned to the principal's office around second period.”

I went pale from the face in a matter of milliseconds. This was obviously about the fight yesterday and my stomach churned even considering the possibility of Levi having to face consequences for an act of self-defense. “And?”

“The usual. A few complaints from parents, a concerned school nurse, a very pissed off counselor.” He took a deep drag from his cancer stick, which I glanced at dubiously every now and then. “They wanted to know who the accomplice was, since one certain horse face had complained about a brunette - that no one could identify - apparently assaulting him out of nowhere.” Levi wiggled his eyebrows at me, and I couldn't withhold the snort that escaped me. “Of course I told them I didn't notice that there had been anyone else, and that I couldn't really identify anyone from the group. Total lie, obviously. I share classes with most of those fucktrumpets.”

To my displeasure, I felt a wave of relief rush over me when I heard that I wasn't going to get in trouble for it. “I would have taken my share of responsibility, you know?”

“I know. I just figured that I'd spare your parents or whatever.” His boot put out the burned cigarette butt, and he reached for another one in his jacket pocket. I eyed him carefully when he brought the lighter to his mouth and lit the cigarette. I watched the dim fiery glow and my decision came with a second's worth of thought.

“Could I have one?” I bit into my lip, but I was persevering to actually smoke one for once. If Levi did it, it couldn't be all that bad, right?

“No, you can't.” he replied bluntly. “Smoking's bad for your health.”

“Just one,” I pleaded. “Just this one and I won't ask again.”

With a sigh, he passed me a cigarette. Unaware of what I should do with it, I went right ahead and poked it into my mouth. He burst into laughter so suddenly, I nearly dropped it from my mouth before his hand could snatch it away.

“You're an idiot.” he said, eyes twinkling with amusement. “You're supposed to put the end with the filter in your mouth, not the other way around.”

“Here,” he stuck the stick back between my lips, this time with the white end sticking out. It could have been just that I was too slow to ask, but before I could ask for a light, Levi leaned forward and brought our faces close together. I felt my face burning up when his half-lidded eyes shot upwards to look directly into mine. _What is he doing?_ There was something incredibly sensual about the way his eyes pierced into mine, and I was almost ready to throw myself off a cliff, had there happened to be one nearby.

Suddenly, the tip of his lit cigarette connected to mine, and between his teeth, he muttered “Breathe in.” And that was that.

I hadn't even been level-headed enough to remember the fully functional lighter in his pocket that I'd clearly seen just minutes earlier. Well played, Levi.

I took a slow breath and watched as the paper end lit on fire with a spreading glow. Momentarily, smoke entered my mouth and for a second I wasn't completely sure what to do with it. Levi withdrew himself from my face, which I was very grateful for, and I allowed myself to breathe out. I watched amusedly as a cloud of smoke left my lips; there was a certain enchantment to it, and I wasn't going to lie that I felt a little like a notorious mob boss in a 50's mafia movie. The whole smoking ordeal suddenly didn't seem that bad.

Levi sighed again, and I knew immediately I'd done something wrong again.

“You're supposed to breathe it down to your lungs, not spit it out like a piece of gum.” he deadpanned. “If you're going to do it, then do it right.” I felt kind of nervous under his watchful eye, and made sure to take a bigger drag this time. The taste was disgusting, in all honesty. I thought about the tar that was probably entering my lungs at that very moment, and suddenly felt a strong urge to spit the cigarette out and leave it at that. Considering how bad I'd look in front of Levi, I decided to suck it up, but never try it again.

I cast a look at Levi, but his face reflected no relevant emotion whatsoever and it seemed that he was more curious as to what I was about to do next. I swallowed the smoke.

That seemed to be the wrong course of action. As my throat closed around the smoke, I felt a jerk of gross displeasure run through my chest.. The revolting smell was now trying to spread from my mouth down my throat to my lungs. _Oh god,_ was my only thought before I leaned over, coughing and spitting and croaking senseless words between the uncontrollable spasms. I think what I was trying to say, was “Levi, I'm going to die.” But instead out came a bunch of nonsense which probably sounded more like an animal's dying scream. I was so certain that I was about to puke out my lungs and die myself. Desperately, I looked to Levi for help, eyes tearing up.

_Real manly, Eren. You did fucking great._

He nonchalantly slapped me on the back until I regained my breathing and then gave me a look that said absolutely nothing. My ragged breaths normalized and I immediately felt a strong sense of embarrassment. I had the decency to blush.

“You know, I've never seen that happen to anyone before.” Levi said, and eyed me with what could be detected as slight worry. “Do you have asthma or something?”

I slowly shook my head.

“Well, not that it matters much. You're definitely not getting another one again. Like ever.” he put serious emphasize on the last words, and I decided not to argue with him. Not that I was really hungry for more ash, tar and whatever else actually was in a cigarette that seemed like _a really bad fucking idea_ to ingest.

We got up, deciding it to be the perfect time to get back to class. At first I wouldn't say anything, instead trailing the pavement with my eyes, inspecting each pebble and tuft of dying grass with utmost care.

“You know, for two people who have a common history that reaches thousands of years into the past, we don't really talk much, do we?” Levi said and cocked his eyebrow.

I nodded. “I imagined it differently too. I figured that I would literally not be able to ever shut up again. There's so much catching up to do, it's just I don't know where to begin.” 

He seemed to fall in thought, if only for a few seconds. “Are you getting your memories back through dreams too?”

“Yeah,” I replied dryly. “It sucks ass.”

Levi nodded slowly and licked his lips. “Mine are all scattered, I can't really understand anything.” He passingly kicked a pebble under his feet, casting it away ten meters into the grass. Somehow it seemed like he was seriously angry, disappointed or about to blow up any minute. “The sickest part is that I can clearly remember the day I died, and I remember what it felt like to die. This life doesn't even feel real.”

I looked at his face, furrowed eyebrows, and the way he'd shrinked in size like an angry little hedgehog. I knew what he felt, but by what I could muster, his memories were probably way worse than mine. If as much as talking about it made him react this way. Still, a question burned on my tongue.

“What was in the basement? Did you ever reach it?”

I had been torturing myself with this question for years now. Back then, the only goal I really ever had was to reach that fucking basement, but then I kind of...died. I had been so sure that either Levi or Mikasa or ideally both of them had made it to the basement. And uncovered the secret, whatever it was.

Levi's eyes were sorrowful in their own way, tinted with obvious regret. “Eren..,” he hesitated “I don't know. I never made it. I'm sorry.”

As a response I felt my shoulders droop. It's what I had feared, but knowing that I couldn't get my answers out of anyone made the situation worse somehow. It was funny that I worried so much over it. The world was free – would it matter if I learned what was in the basement? It was no longer a matter of life or death, but I guessed it would have offered me a great amount of mental comfort.

We fell silent and turned a corner, reaching the main doors. We'd both have our classes to go to, and I didn't know when I'd see him again. I desperately wanted to meet up and discuss just about everything. He could have answers that I didn't. We stepped into the lobby and I felt warm air wrap itself around my cold body.

“Are you free tonight?” I asked in a hurry before Levi could get a chance to leave. He stood still for a second before nodding slowly. 

“Yeah,” he retorted. “Not exactly the popular kid.”

“Come over?” I beamed, entertaining the thought of introducing Levi to Mikasa. Mother would be happy too, to see that I actually do have friends. I hadn't told her about Armin yet, but that could wait. Somehow already all of my life was circulating around those who shared the same fate as I did. Everyone else was irrelevant.

Levi looked a little puzzled with his head slightly tilted to the side. “Sure,” he then said carefully “Yeah, okay.” I couldn't place the reason behind his calculating eyes and that posture of puzzlement.

I asked whether we could go straight after school, but Levi said he had some things to do before he could come over. When he offered to call me, I had – to my embarrassment – to explain that I didn't really have a cellphone just yet, which Levi cocked his eyebrow to, but didn't comment on. In the end, we just agreed to meet up at the bus stop near my house at seven.

Walking down the hallway, just before we were about to turn and go our separate ways, Levi suddenly stopped on his track and yanked me to a halt by my elbow. Confused, I looked around to catch sight of whatever had caught his attention. That until I noticed Jean Kirschstein trotting down the hallway towards us. 

Trotting as in galloping at full fucking speed with a clearly murderous face and the intent to kill.

Levi's voice was almost manic when he whispered “Eren, I need to go. I can't afford another offense or I'm expelled.”

Oh. And of course he'd wait until the last possible minute to let me know. Perfect. I didn't exactly understand why all of Jean's bullshit was somehow blamed on Levi or how horseface could get away with literally everything he did. I would learn later on that Jean Kirschstein was not to be messed with. 

Grabbing Levi by the arm, I broke into a full sprint back the direction we came from. Obviously I didn't have the slightest idea on where to go or what to do, but Levi grasped my hand with such force that it threatened to break, desperately almost. 

“I know where to go, come on,” he breathed out as the crappy wooden flooring made awful noises under the pounding of our rushing feet. He took the lead, dashing forward and pulling me along with him. His arms were strong, and I almost felt like I was being pulled through air. Almost. We turned a corner, and, looking back, I caught sight of Jean rushing towards us.

We could've totally taken him on two on one, and Levi knew it. Instead, a door slammed open to the right of me and just as easily by the hem of my shirt I was practically thrown inside.

For a moment, it was completely dark and silent. I could hear our panting breaths, feel my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. We must've been in the janitor's closet, since the room was pretty small and there was little to no space at all as I felt Levi's legs sprawled over mine while we collected ourselves.

A click of the switch brought light and I could finally look around. In fact, we  _were_ in the janitor's closet, as various cleaning equipment and chemicals were scattered all over the huge shelves that took up most of the space. 

The shelves, despite literally being a part of 'the janitor's closet' were actively collecting dust and sported a thick layer of gray that could have probably been cut with a knife. Levi winced, but shifted to sit a bit more comfortably, pulling his knees under his head. His eyes, focused intensely on mine, were wide open and incredulous. I let out a hushed chuckle.

“What?” I asked in an amused tone as the ringing of the bell caused us both to shoot out of our dazed state. I was missing class on two of my first days in a new school, and honestly, I couldn't care enough.

“Holy shit, Eren,” he stopped, still looking a bit fidgety, but then breaking into laughter “I can't believe that just happened.”

 


	5. Chocolate cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is about to stay the night at his house, and Eren is freaking out. Tension starts to accumulate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally going to be a lot longer, but I decided to split it into two chapters - that also means the next update will be much quicker as I've already written most of the 6th chapter :D

 When I met Levi at the bus stop at seven, I hadn't expected him to come over with cake _._ _A huge fucking boxed cake_ that definitely wasn't meant for just two people to eat and was remarkably drawing attention to itself: bypassers swarming into and out of the bus eyed the enormous box with hyperbolic discomfort as it clearly blocked their way into the vehicle and filled up nearly half of the doorway while Levi couldn't bring himself to move from it. We exchanged a brief look across the street when his eyes caught mine.

He stepped off the bus and nodded his head in my direction – a greeting on his part - , while I kept my eyes peeled on the delicate cardboard box between his fingers. The decorative attributes practically screamed 'expensive'; based on my vague knowledge of the surrounding area, it had to be from the bakery downtown. And that stuff was expensive. Trademark golden swirls danced across the smooth white surface laced with fine silk ribbon – the outward appearance was very impressive, and I figured the contents must have been even more so.

Questions regarding as to why Levi would go out of his way for _cake_ tended to pop into my head. As far as I was concerned, he'd never been a fan of sweet things, preferring even his tea black without as much as a drop of sugar. My eyes trailed his footsteps when he crossed the street.

“Is that cake?” I asked incredulously when he closed the distance between us. As if I didn't already see clearly and still needed some kind of elaboration (which I didn't, but what else was I going to say?).

He eyed the box, lifted it up to his face and inspected it like it'd just appeared out of thin air. “Seems so,” he then shrugged, sticking a strand of loose hair behind his ear. I noted how Levi's hair was longer than I remembered in the front, his parted bangs brushing against his cheekbones. The hairline receded as it reached the nape of his neck, and the undercut was a familiar neat buzz.

“I remember you had a sweet tooth, but I didn't know what to bring, so I got chocolate.”

I winced and cast him an apologetic look. It wasn't his fault: there was no way he could've known. I used to love chocolate, even though it was rarely ever available and probably cost more than a human life. My tongue brushed over my chapped cold lips in anguish.

“I'm allergic to chocolate,” I said helplessly. Some surprises happened, not everything stayed the same. As I've mentioned previously, we were the same old people trying to adjust to this new world. I hadn't even known what allergies were back in the day: the thought got me thinking that maybe I should have taken to bigger risks and gone on those pantry raids with Sasha and Connie when I had the chance to. Should've lived a little.

“And now you've wasted money,” I added with a little hint of guilt in my voice as I pointed out the obvious.

Levi paused for a second, cocked his eyebrow, and looked a little confused with himself. “That's new,” he said dryly. If he was disappointed then he didn't look it, instead shoving the cake between my nearly frozen fingers. “Your sister can have it.”

I knew Mikasa wouldn't reject chocolate cake by any means, especially in this time and season. But now that the huge box was resting atop my desk as we'd arrived at the house, I couldn't tear my eyes from it. Being by far the most interesting object in the room, it drew attention to itself in powerful contrast to the poorly decorated interior.

'Minimalistic' would have been a great word to use to describe the appearance of my room without making me feel any worse about our family's clearly evident lack of funds that reflected itself everywhere – the simplicity of the furniture, the size of the house compared to the surrounding buildings and the lack of modern technology. Besides, of course, a fridge and a washing machine, both from the year nineteen neanderthal.

Material needs of one single household had never seemed like such an issue back in Shiganshina, because for all you knew, your next door neighbour had made a call to pay for their heating in mid-winter and lag behind on their rent for the month. When we'd practically forced our way into the middle-class life in Trost, our financial status really stuck out in more ways than one.

Levi sat himself on my bed, scanning the small room appraisingly. His narrowed eyes darted from the bare flooring to the freshly installed wallpaper, switching focus back and forth between the few pieces of furniture I could actually call my own. He didn't appear judging, no. Knowing Levi, he was inspecting the place for dust; I couldn't help but feel anxious. Had I cleaned properly? My eyes nervously flickered across the room and back to Levi.

“You just moved in, right?” he asked, crossing his legs, seemingly pleased with the surroundings.

I nodded and tried to shake off the feeling of uneasiness when his eyes rested on mine. There was a certain tension between us, and I couldn't tell whether it was sexual or us simply shunning away from eachother. Either way, I was remarkably uncomfortable.

“It's a good size for a smaller family.” He pointed out, and a wave of relief gushed over me when I felt the tension drop.

“I guess.”

I embraced the awkwardness that fell then, sprouting from my own poor choice of words. Just as I'd begun to thank whatever godly entity for replacing the unwanted tension, I incidentally started feeling conscious about Levi sitting on _my bed_ in _my room_. I thought whether or not I should sit next to him, when standing started to feel wearying, without giving out any wrong ideas (not that I wasn't entertaining any inappropriate thoughts myself). And clearly both of our inaptness had started to creep it's way to the surface. We fell silent and I found myself calculating every single delicate pointless detail in my head over and over.

Levi had handled the family surprisingly well so far. He had politely greeted both of my parents. When Mikasa emerged from her room, roused by the surprise guest, he'd introduced himself – or rather, reintroduced himself - like it was no big deal. I was surprised by the gentle tone in his voice when he exchanged words with my family, including my sister, and the way he handled every interaction with deliberate care and seriousness. He was totally different from what I'd expected, but I felt a little flattered to be able to see those other sides of him.

“So,” I began, pulling at my fingers, “What would you like to do before dinner?” Oh, _for the love of god_ , why did I ask that? The tone of my voice had been slightly too suggestive for my own liking, and I resorted to cursing my guts in silence. Thank fuck for my ability to make even a simple question sound like a poorly executed sexual innuendo. Not.

Levi either didn't notice, or decided to ignore it. Instead, he shifted on the bed, resting his back against the wall and hugged his legs close to his body. In this curled up form he seemed so tiny and vulnerable. Without all that ridiculous muscle mass, he managed to seem even smaller than before. Not that he wasn't well endowed – ah, but I'd decided not let my thoughts drift to the matter of Levi's body if I possibly could.

He still looked just as intimidating though, and his eyes were tinted with curiosity.

“When was the last time you had a memory-dream, Eren?”

I scratched the back of my neck. “Uh, Monday, I guess.” With the need to elaborate, I added “I was awake, though, so I'm guessing it was more of a flashback to a dream than anything else.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I've noticed that some of the older ones keep repeating themselves.” His eyes fell closed for a moment, and he inhaled a deep breath. “I'm guessing it's even harder for you.”

“Why do you think that?” If there was a person whose dreams could be worse than mine, I always believed it to be Levi. I couldn't even imagine what he'd gone through, seeing countless comrades die in front of him. While a lot of my dreams were made out of relatively unimportant childhood moments, or just dicking around with the rest of the 104th, he had years of experience on me. There were some brighter moments in mine. Most of his definitely had to be nightmares.

He raised his eyebrow. “Well, you re-experience pain too, right?” When I nodded, still unsure of what to make of his statement, he added. “I can't even recall how many times I was the one to cut you out of that damn titan. Then there were the countless times when you got injured in battle, and healed for days after. Unlike you, I didn't lose body parts that easily. Or at all, to be quite honest. The few times I've woken up from a broken bone were already painful beyond belief. I can't even imagine what you must constantly go through.”

He had a point, and although I'd written up almost every single notable feel-flashback I'd experienced, I had never bothered to question their multitude before.

“To me, they are something that I need to suck up.” I said carefully. “I can't really help that I'm having them.” To not make this all depressing, I offered him a kind smile “Well, anyway, I like to think that I'm done with most of them by now.”

“You probably are,” he agreed. “You've only a couple of years left until you're caught up with your death-age.” He fiddled with the fabric of the bedding. “In contrast, I still have a lot I don't know yet.” He sounded nervous and slightly ticked off, to my surprise.

This was something I'd not bothered to think about yet. The amount of things you remember depends on your age, was what Levi had been trying to tell me. It made perfect sense, in a way. You can't obtain nearly twenty years worth of experience in a couple of days. You need to offer the years you spend breathing in this new safer world for the sake of clinging onto the past. It was the life me and Levi were bound with, what chained us down and made us vulnerable. Unlike the others, we were not able to let go and forget.

But would the dreams stop eventually? When this life would become satiated with those memories, when there would be no more to remember. Would we be left alone, then? Could we leave the past behind and lead peaceful lives? And would our ways part then when there'd be nothing to connect us to each other? We'd know eventually, but not soon enough. My stomach churned.

I flopped down on the bed next to him. “Well, I can tell you anything you'd like to know. I mean, whatever you're curious about. Ask anything.”

He eyed me, and while his face remained indifferent, his stormy grey eyes burned with curiosity, and I knew there was a lot that Levi wanted to get out of me. We both wanted facts, details – anything really that would shed light on our situation. But he, unlike me, was probably completely starved. He hadn't even regained half of what was still waiting for him, and for a second my heartbeat faltered. Did he even remember, about us? Or had he just been happy to recognize a familiar face who, alike him, remembered?

“Oh!” I beamed up. “I'll tell you everything you haven't remembered yet, and in exchange you'll tell me about everything that happened after I died.” If he didn't remember about us, I wouldn't tell him. I had to give him the option to move on, put the past behind him. Not force him to think that he's obliged to continue something that happened so long ago and probably wasn't relevant any more anyway. Something twitched inside of me, and a lump formed in my throat when I realized that the thought hurt me so much. Levi not needing me any more, our lives drifting apart.

I couldn't recall the downward tug of his lips and the sudden hesitance in his eyes when mom called from downstairs.

“Boys, dinner's ready!”

 

* * *

 

“I brought cake,” Levi simply said, placing the fancy box down in the middle of the table.

Mother practically melted.

“Oh,” she mouthed, similar to a mute fish “Oh, that's very kind of you, Levi. You shouldn't have.” Dad turned to give him a small, albeit kind smile. Mikasa eyed the cake like a feral wolf ready to jump at her prey, while I had to rip my eyes from the delicious looking dessert, knowing all too well that a single bite and I'd be choking on my mistake in a matter of minutes.

Levi nodded and sat down to the left of me. We had to drag out an older stool for him to sit on, which I immediately protested, offering him my chair and sitting on the stool instead. Seated behind the table, I felt like the crappy thing was going to break any minute; the wooden legs practically shivered under my weight.

Mom pampered us with double servings of her special rice with tomato sauce, and it seemed like she'd overdone it this time. It was quite literally impossible to tell ingredients, herbs and spices apart from each other; they were all mixed in this mess that mom usually proudly referred to as her trademark meal. Most of the things chucked into the pot were probably not relevant to the taste anyway, and – in mom's opinion, - most likely were meant to contribute to impressing my guest. Still, the taste hadn't worsened as a result, and I ate with a normal appetite.

Levi was asked questions, and quite pointless ones, throughout the dinner. Most of the talking was done by mom, who hadn't even bothered to cover her blatant interest in Levi's private life, indulging in matters way beyond simply slightly personal. He didn't seem too bothered, and answered bluntly, albeit deliberately. Mom practically ate his every word, and soon dad was pulled into the conversation. The things he was asked ranged from “So, you're Eren's classmate?” to quite bluntly asking him about his plans for the future, which, among many other questions pushed onto him, were no business of anyone but Levi himself.

“I'm not sure yet,” he answered politely. “I'm trying to secure my future and get into a decent college, then see where to go from there.” I sneered at him from behind my fork. Typical I-have-no-idea-what-to-do-with-my-life-but-I-am-desperately-trying-to-please-your-parents answer. Well, it's not like I myself had anything thought out yet, so I couldn't really blame him for his obvious bullshitting.

“Oh, I see,” she nodded like it was all clear to her. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

I nearly choked on my glass of juice, and mom shot me a death-glare over the table.

“I dont,” Levi replied dryly. “And I don't really feel I have the time to be dating at this moment.”

“Awwh,” mother sighed. “That's too bad.” The only thing she probably felt sorry about was not being able to dissect Levi's life any longer. Despite being shot one question after another, he was finished before I had the chance to properly start. I cast him an apologetic look.

“You can go back to my room if you want to,” I offered, only wanting him out of this inquisition area. Mom tried to persuade Levi to stay for a while longer by offering him a piece of the cake he'd brought, but he apologized himself saying that he was already full from the “delicious meal”. She totally melted again, and Levi left the table, properly offering his thanks for the food.

I finished relatively quickly after that, affirming mom that, yes, Levi would be staying for the night. For some reason she seemed over all normal boundaries accepting and sort of congratulated me for having finally made a friend so quickly and adapting so well to a new place. Well, I guessed the thing on the previous day was forgotten as easily as it had come up in the first place.

When I got back upstairs and opened the door to my room, I nearly shrieked. Levi was leaned against the desk, holding nothing else other than my blue notebook, which I'd been so careless not to hide properly. He seemed to be deeply indulged in the contents of this _terribly personal_ _completely secret_ thing of mine, and hadn't even noticed me in the doorway. By almost tripping over my feet in surprise was how I got his attention in the end.

“Oh, it's you,” he deadpanned. “I thought there were rats in the attic.”

“Rats in the attic my ass! W-what are you doing?” I stuttered, eyes unwilling to leave his irritatingly relaxed face.

“This is pretty consistent,” he said, and casually flipped a page. “But then again, sort of vague. I can't understand half of this just because you've only deemed necessary to write a word or two. There aren't any explanations. It's like something a six year old would write.”

I ignored the obvious criticism towards my own writing ability. “Where did you even get that?” My hands raised up and gripped my hair. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “Give that back,” I barked out, voice suddenly breaking mid-way and raising by an octave.

“Why?” Levi asked with feigned innocence. “You were going to tell me all of this anyway, right?”

“Everything _relevant,_ ” I nearly hissed. “That,- that's private.” Licking my lips, I shot him a desperate look. He put the notebook down, to my gratefulness.

“Ah,” he breathed. “It did look more like a diary.” I cringed and a snort escaped from him. “What are you, a preteen girl?” Levi let out a hearty laugh, and I was slightly surprised by the suddenness of it.

“I'm joking. It's good you're keeping record of these things. Sometimes I feel like I could just forget everything when I wake up the next morning.”

“They are pretty fragile, aren't they?” I added, and he eyed my face thoughtfully.

“Yeah, I suppose.” He placed the notebook back into the drawer he'd taken it from and moved to sit on the bed. “I'm not sure even actual memories would stick around that long.” I watched the way his hands came to rest in his lap. Somehow, his face looked slightly crestfallen, eyes sorrowful. “Oh, but they can be _very real_ if they want to.”

“At the wrong times,” I pointed out.

“Eren,” he said. His melancholic eyes were glued to mine, and I wished he'd move them. The tension was killing me.

“Come here.” he whispered quietly. Huh. I thought it was a weird request, but did as told and sat down next to him, feeling the bed sink under my weight.

For a while there was silence, and I couldn't put my finger on it. We looked at eachother. I admired the younger features of the familiar face, all the while my heartbeat pounded erratically into my ears. I could hear my own breathing, as well as his. Puzzlement reflected back from his face, probably mirroring my own.

“Come here,” Levi reiterated in a soft voice. He hesitatingly reached out his hands, and I leaned into them with some abashment. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and something pleasant jumped in my chest at his touch.

I brought my own arms forward, and gingerly touched them upon Levi's lower back. The warmth of his skin radiated through the fabric of his shirt and I pulled him closer. Now I could physically smell his scent and I felt a certain feeling of calmness when it entered my nostrils. Softly, I caressed my fingers over his back. It was a different scent from what still lingered in my memory, but it ignited the same feelings inside of me. I couldn't help but want to inhale all of it, store it inside of me forever. I wanted this smell to become familiar as the other had.

Without thinking, I pushed my nose into the crook of Levi's neck. He flinched, and for a second I thought I'd invaded his personal space or made him uncomfortable somehow. But then he brought his legs up on the bed and wrapped them around my lower back, and I knew his reaction had been exactly the opposite.

Wordlessly, he pushed his hands into my hair, and I let mine trail up his back. Through careful touches, I explored his shoulders, neck, the back of his head. I brushed my fingers over the ticklish undercut and heard his breath hitch next to my ear.

It was all very delicate and careful, and when he finally pulled back, I immediately recognized the look he gave me. I hadn't seen it many times, and the last I did had been centuries ago. But it was the one look I'd never forget. So tender and soft – Captain Levi had hardly ever rewarded me with those eyes, yet this Levi had bared them almost immediately. He was teasing me and it was unfair. Without thinking, I pushed him down on the bedsheets.

How long we stayed in that position I do not know: Levi pinned down under me, neither of us daring to say a word. I hovered over his body, the height difference really working in my favour, hands on both sides of his head. Looking down at him, I couldn't tear my eyes from his. I was so embarrassed, my face probably deeply flushed, but I couldn't bring myself to look away.

His stormy grey eyes were wide open, but not from fear or surprise. He eyed me with intense curiosity, wondering what I'd do next. I thought that too, because I had no idea what I should do. Or what would have been considered acceptable of me anyway.

Even while under me in the most vulnerable imaginable position I'd ever seen him in, Levi still managed to intimidate me. His glare seemed more challenging than excited or pleased, and I felt sort of weird for getting us into that situation in the first place.

I couldn't tell if he was happy with this or not, and only minutes ago I'd sworn myself I wouldn't make a move on him until I was sure he knew. Well, lately I'd been breaking promises more often than keeping them, I realized. If he were against this, would he really be so exposed to me right now?

My hands were starting to grow weak, and I lowered myself. Levi's lips parted in expectation and his lids fell closed. This small action made my heartbeat pound through my entire body until I was sure I was nothing else but one loud disordered thumping mess. He was expecting me to kiss him. Holy hell, he actually was expecting me to do this. The thought made me shudder violently and I was pretty sure I would miss his lips if I tried anything right now.

I bit into my lip. It was all or nothing. Go big or go home. Technically I already was at home, so it didn't matter much.

Leaning further down, I brought our faces so close together I could feel the warmth of Levi's breath tickling my lips. Every thought blocking my mind from thinking radically had everything to do with the proximity of our mouths and the relaxed features of his expectant face and I just – oh god, how badly I wanted to press my lips down on his! As if on que, my mouth opened ever so slightly, and I decided I could not wait any longer –

Without a warning, the door to my room flew open and revealed a very indifferent Mikasa standing in the doorway. She assessed the situation in a matter of seconds, albeit standing in the doorway a little dumbfounded.

“Wow. Okay,” she drawled, and I wish I could've sunk underground right then and there. Both Levi and I were completely frozen, me still lurched over his body. I hadn't noticed before, but somewhere along the line his knee had travelled to rest between my thighs and its minimal distance to my crotch had me flustered all over.

Mikasa didn't seem to share my excitement.

“Mom wanted to know if you needed the guest mattress.” She explained dryly. “But I guess not.” she rolled her eyes and the door closed again, but this time I got on my feet faster than I thought I was capable of.

Me and Levi locked eyes and for once I had the decency to blush. He looked more taken aback than anything. I darted to the door and pulled it open, but Mikasa had already disappeared to the safety of her room.

“Shitshitshit,” I reiterated and exited without a word, taking fast steps across the hallway. When I tore open Mikasa's door, she was sitting on her bed, pulling the most exaggerated grimace of her lifetime. I would've laughed, had I found the issue funny in any way.

“Yes, we will be needing the mattress.” I said, but my breath got stuck in my throat.

Her face was still sour when she turned to me. “Well, go get it then.”

For some reason I still stood there, my eyes fixated on her face, but something told me she wouldn't tell. “Yeah. Okay, yeah.” I retorted awkwardly, and was almost out of the door, when

“I didn't know you were gay,” she remarked and I froze in my steps. My head whipped around in a particle of a second and I shot her an accusing look.

“I am not.” I breathed, disappointed that she'd even assume that. Although I wasn't so sure in my own words. Was I gay? I had been gay before, I knew that.

“Levi's a..friend.”

“Clearly a very _special_ friend.” The way she emphasized those last words made me want to die all over again.

“Just please don't do anything while I'm in the next room,” she said, deadly serious. “I want to sleep.”

My jaw dropped and I had to practically force myself out of the door, her judgemental gaze locked on my face. Although she most likely hadn't meant her pretended judgement, I more often than not kept thinking that Mikasa knew way more than was acceptable. She probably knew me better than I did.

When I returned to my room a few minutes later with a mattress, Levi shot me a questioning look and we both felt a little gauche after what had just happened. No matter how much I wanted to have him under me again, I got over myself and splayed the mattress out for him on the floor.

Luckily, it had been cleaned during the moving and I hoped it wouldn't be a thing for him to complain over. Levi had sat up on the bed and was now maintaining the straightest posture you could probably imagine. Unfortunately I couldn't read anything from his face; I heaved a heavy sigh.

Night came quickly after that. We talked for about two hours before deciding in favour of turning in for the night. We'd have school tomorrow, and Levi's backpack rested against the wall next to the door along with mine.

After we'd quieted down, I sort of just lay there in the dark, unable to close my eyes and fall asleep. My thoughts kept flickering back to the awkward incident before and I had to refrain from pondering on what it had really meant. I twisted and turned for about twenty minutes before I was pretty sure I'd never get proper sleep in the same room as Levi.

I could hear his paced, heavy breathing and he was definitely asleep. The form which indicated his figure in the dark was unmoving, sprawled across the mattress. I scraped my teeth over my bottom lip before sitting up on the bed.

“Levi.” I whispered. No answer came, and I slid out of the sheets. For a while I just kneeled awkwardly next to the mattress, deliberating whether or not I really should do what I was about to do. He wouldn't mind, right? He'd even looked so enthusiastic about it before. What's more – I realized with cheeks burning up – _he'd initiated it._ It was okay, probably.

I lifted his blanket and crawled under it, trying to be as quiet as possible. I was allowing myself to get way more familiar than I should have with someone I barely knew. I felt kind of filthy for that, and my breathing must've been loud enough to wake a tranquilized horse. Just for a while, I thought. I'd move eventually.

When I'd finally settled down, I was facing towards him and thoroughly investigated his sleeping face. Or as much as I could see of it. The moon from outside the window did enough for me to appreciate his raven hair, scattered across the pillow and askew on his forehead.

I reached my hand out and gently touched a lock of hair resting next to his head, and he shifted.

Completely paralyzed, I remained still as stone, not daring to move. Was he awake? Had he been awake all along?

Levi's eyes remained closed when he reached his arm around me, pulling me closer. Somehow I relaxed under his touch and buried my head into his shirt. Wordlessly, he rested his chin atop my head and let out a shaky breath.

I realized that I could actually sleep like this. My legs nestled up against his. Our chests rising and falling and unison. We were both probably hyperaware of each other, but there was nothing to show shame for – I couldn't see his face, he couldn't have seen mine. Neither of us said anything, but it was probably the most comfortable silence of my lifetime.

I breathed in some of his scent, and was almost ready to drift to sleep when two soft beeps from what sounded like a cellphone snapped me back awake.

“Is that your phone?” I asked Levi, softly tugging at the fabric of his shirt.

He groaned, and there was irritation in his voice when he mumbled “Yeah, hold on.”

I didn't move from my position when Levi sat up and reached into the pocket of his pants neatly folded next to the mattress. By what I could see, the screen had lit up and a flashy envelope icon in the middle of it indicated a text message.

Levi seemed confused for a minute, but his eyebrows furrowed in frustration when he checked the ID of the sender. The letters sprawled out on the screen read 'Hange'.

I jerked up.

“No way!” I piped up.

Levi checked the message and read over it fairly quickly, apparently deciding to disregard it when he turned off the screen and reached for his pants again.

“No, wait,” Grabbing him by the shoulder I shot Levi an inquisitive look. “Why didn't you tell me you met others?” I hated to admit it, but there was disappointment mixed with slight hurt in my voice. He rolled his eyes.

“Doesn't matter. They don't remember, and we have school tomorrow.”

“What did they want?” I demanded, growing impatient.

Levi shot me a tired look before chucking his cellphone at me. I'd barely even touched an android phone before. After some time and me agonizing over the lock screen (Levi snickering in the back) I could finally read the letters spread out on the screen in front of me.

 _“Come out let's hang.”_ was all it read. I raised my eyebrows before the sound of another message coming in nearly made me drop the phone

 _“Ur not home?”_ And then, without much pause, again.

 

_“Where r u?”_

 

I looked at him questioningly. “Why are they texting you at 10pm?”

Levi's face had softened slightly and he sighed. “On some nights they and Erwin like to fuck around on the town. They're usually always drinking, though.”

“Commander too?” I asked, incredulous.

“You wouldn't believe some of the shit they've done in the past,” he huffed and rubbed his temples. “I don't want to drag you into this.”

I handed Levi his phone back and jumped off the mattress, forgetting I was still in just boxers. “Are you kidding? Let's go!”

“I don't want to.” I saw his face clearly now in the light of the phone screen and tried my best to ignore the appraising look he was giving my half-clothed body.

“We'll get out quietly and be back soon enough to get some sleep,” I pleaded.

Levi's left eye twitched.


	6. Anomie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me and Levi shared an apathetic look when his eccentric friend stumbled over their feet and fell head-first into a bush. They emptied their stomach with loud gurgling sounds, which made Levi pull the most horrified grimace of his lifetime, probably. The tall blonde man sitting over by the bench seemed to have broken into song. His body manically swayed left and right in surprisingly good synchronization with the tune, but the fear he'd fall over and break his neck was still a realistic possibility. Levi tugged at my sleeve and led me away from them. I didn't know where exactly, but my head spun in the nicest of ways and by this point I'd probably follow him anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, there's more sappy feelings-talk at the end of the chapter. I tend to write a lot of grossly sentimental stuff, so let me apologize beforehand - I'll try to get it all out of the way as quick as possible. Also, the 'Underage Drinking' tag comes into play here, so I suggest you not read if that makes you uncomfortable. I needed to introduce a bit of Levi's lifestyle up to the current point so it was sort of necessary.
> 
> (I swear the plot will get real soon)

Somehow we'd made it downstairs and through the front door quietly enough that no one awoke during the process. While fumbling in the dark for our shoes, I ended up bumping into Levi more than once; he managed to elbow me in the ribs and I would've yelped had I not feared my parents or sister waking.

If I'd been slightly sleepy after leaving the comfort of (Levi's) bed, then fresh air managed to whisk away any traces of it from my eyes. It was even colder than before and I was more than ever thankful for my jacket, which I closely hugged to my body.

We moved through the streets, nearly pitch black, despite the (fairly consistent) street lighting that formed an alley and cast spotlight on the two of us. The city around us was quiet, spare a few cars speeding along the roads eager to get home for the night.

Levi was on his phone exclaiming something to Hange in a loud irritated voice. Despite the fact I'd easily gotten him out of the house, he had apparently chosen to act pissy about it and I decided not to poke him too much. Maybe he wasn't a night person. I briefly thought about his insomniac tendencies back in the day and wondered if he was trying to make up for them in this lifetime.

Levi ended the call with a rough jerk of a button and it seemed like his nerves were completely drawn.

“Damn shit-glasses,” he muttered. “Would it kill them to take the fucking bus?” I recognized the nickname from a distant, fading memory of mine, and smiled into the collar of my jacket. Made sure Levi wouldn't catch me snickering right when he was so clearly suffering.

Without a word, we walked for minutes until finally stopping when we'd reached what looked like a park. Barren trees like undead hands reached out to tear their claws into the night sky; I felt like five all over again, the sight was terrifying. I didn't recognize the area, but that may have been because it was dark. Then again, it's not like I'd been walking around much.

“Do you live nearby?” I asked, and the guilt for making him walk me all this way in the middle of the night had finally started to settle in. As usual, I decided to small talk my way out of it.

“Yeah,” he quickly retorted. “Look, these people are nothing like you remember them.” He seemed to reconsider for a second, before adding “Except maybe for the fact that they both still manage to piss me off and are just as annoying. They might offer you some suspicious shit, so watch out for whatever really.”

I nodded carefully, although really I wasn't so sure at all. Levi had let me know I should expect something completely different from what I was used to: It's just that there was no possible scenario in which the way I was envisioning the Squad leader and Commander in my head now would even count as probable.

I was wary, of course. From my experience with Jean, I already knew that reincarnation could bring out the worst in people and rebuild a personality from the scratch. I couldn't even ask myself the question whether Levi would still be keeping in touch with these people if they were truly that terrifying. Thinking back on that, probably most definitely not. He leaned against a lamp post, - by the looks of it, his attitude had started to subside - , and I became to relax a little.

 

Finally, two figures emerged from the darkness of the street and as soon as the light from the street lamp illuminated their faces I could tell that Levi had obviously overreacted. Moreover, I was actually surprised by the normality of what I was seeing.

Hange and Erwin arrived side by side, looking maybe only slightly younger than their past selves. They were probably barely into their twenties, or college students. Both of them were dressed nicely and I didn't even know why I had expected some sort of atrocities.

“Yo, Levi.” Commander Erwin called out when they reached us and his gaze immediately locked on me. “You brought a friend?” He didn't seem disappointed though - his raised eyebrow indicated curiosity.

I examined the Commander's new face, and although younger, without a question it had to belong to him. Familiar high cheekbones, strong jaw and sick eyebrow game – all his trademark features plus a friendly smile were present on his face. He was still roughly the same size and most likely (by the way his clothes clung to his body suggested) just as well built. His sympathetic eyes still shone in their familiar blues, I could tell, although darkness had sucked most of the colours out of everything. Maybe his ever-blonde hair hung off his forehead a bit differently. It was a more casual, modern hairdo, with a few loose strands hanging here and there.

“I didn't realize you had friends,” Hange sneered and cast me an exaggeratedly sympathetic look. They grabbed Levi unexpectantly by the shoulders, causing the latter to flinch in his place. Hange, on the other hand, looked exactly like a one-on-one copy of their previous counterpart, messy ponytail all over the place. Their voice rang with the same exact tone when their head curiously peered over Levi's shoulder. I noticed that the glasses resting on the bridge of their nose seemed a little roughed up. The frame had a few noticeable dents here and there and appeared slightly bent.

Hange's voice was an amused chirp when they spoke “I don't know how you ended up with shortie here, but I'm terribly wholeheartedly sorry-”

Levi cleared his throat. “Erwin. Hange,” probably emphasizing both names more than would've been necessary in whatever situation. “This is Eren.”

Erwin's mouth pulled into a small 'o' shape, while Hange clasped their hands together in what seemed like genuine surprise. They stepped away from Levi to get a closer look at my face, apparently.

“Really?” Erwin asked incredulously, his low voice smooth but unbelieving. “ _Really?”_

“Eren Jaeger?” My name rolled of Hange's tongue carefully, as if they were testing the pronunciation of a word they'd never said out loud before. Only then I realized my last name had not been a part of the official introduction.

I physically felt color drain from my facial expression when it somehow went through fifty shades of mortification until settling for a hue that could've practically earned me a free ride to the morgue.

“You know my full name?” I asked, startled. A quick look to Levi didn't suggest that it was something odd, but I couldn't help but feel uneasy. Did these two have the memories after all? Could it have been that Levi had been lying to me when he said they didn't? Or did hearing my name specifically trigger something causing them to remember suddenly?

“Well, fuck my ass,” Erwin enthused, and I couldn't help but feel a little put off at the out of character behaviour “Looks like you weren't all that insane after all, Levi.”

The said ravenette only shook his head in disapproval.

There was a crazed glint in Hange's eyes when they spoke.

“Extremely fascinating!” they cried out. “Absolutely fantastic!”

They kept their eyes intensely pierced on me, both Hange and Erwin did, and it would've been an understatement to say that I didn't feel exactly comfortable. An unsettling thought formed in the back of my head that maybe Levi had tried to explain everything to the two, even though they were blind to that world and it's horrors.

Erwin's eyes flickered over to Levi. “Is he like us or like you?” When the ravenette only rolled his eyes, Erwin's eyes narrowed. “Come on, I'm dying to know.”

Hange had taken it as their solemn duty to thoroughly inspect every aspect of my being, apparently. Their eyes appraisingly scanned me up and down, favourably darting back to my face every now and then. Would it be possible for them to disregard how absurd the entire idea seemed and actually believe a word? About reincarnation?

Although it was a concept often theorized over in philosophy, rather than not chances were that your normal person would just snicker at any mention of such anomality. And just a single teenager sporting all these _wild ideas_ in his head that he himself claims to be true, could just be put off as the result of hormonal awakening.

In my head, I could still see that fucking psychiatrist sneering at me. And my parents' worried expressions as they tensely gripped my shoulders, almost to the point of causing physical pain. I remember my own anxiety during those minutes of the session, and the voice of that woman as she spoke to my parents like I wasn't even there to hear it.

They had all thought I was insane, that I had an alternate self inside of my head. It was quite possible that instead of fixing me, the drugs would've actually screwed with my head. If I'd not been insane before, I certainly wouldn't have been the same after. In that moment, I was so glad my parents hadn't the funds to buy out the damn pills.

I hadn't even noticed my teeth had gritted in my mouth before Hange's voice snapped me back to the present moment.

“He's a little different from what I expected.” They hummed, maintaining impressive unmoving attention to my face. “You have a bad tendency to draw the longbow more often than not, Levi.” Upon mentioning his name, Hange's eyes darted to Levi, still standing further away, looking bored.

“Well, he _is_ cute though, I'll give you that.” They added.

I cocked my eyebrow and made sure that Levi saw it; he let out a heavy sigh.

“He's similar to myself,” he dryly retorted as an answer to Erwin's unanswered question, choosing to ignore Hange entirely.

Obviously his lack of need to elaborate didn't bother anyone, except myself. I noticed Erwin drawing closer, looking at me expectantly, as if I was on trial for a murder and about to confess.

“Uh,” I drawled, unable to come up with anything coherent to say.

“So, Eren,” he began, looking a little startled. “It's really true we were all reincarnated from some point of time from the Titan era?” His face turned away from mine, looking a little sheepish, which I found odd, but disturbingly endearing: the Commander had been attractive enough in his late 30's, but now, at least a decade younger, it was almost ridiculous how attractive he looked.

“I know how this must sound, but Levi's told us all these...things which we have never even had a clue about before.”

Hange chimed in, “Up until now we just thought that maybe he was just fucked in the head, or doing some really sick drugs. But now, you're basically a living proof of what he's been trying to tell us forever, and damn it, I refuse to believe this is real.” Hange's bewildered smile was a direct mirror of their mind, it seemed.

“Where'd you find him anyway, Levi?” they added.

“He entered our school this Monday, moved here from Shiganshina.” he replied and shot me a long look.

Ah, it was actually true. At some point in time, Levi had told these two. I didn't know what to think of it other than the fact I was really amazed he'd managed to pull it off. Even after being dubbed crazy by two of his friends he hadn't given up and that was probably a big part of them believing him now that I was there.

Of course I'd debated telling people before. No, scratch that - I had _tried_ to let them know at one point – which led to the agonizingly long hours spent in the company of that woman and her scrutinizing gaze.

I couldn't believe that Erwin and Hange would even consider the whole scenario, let alone seem so interested in the matter. I cast a look at Levi and had to swallow before I could continue.

“It's true,” I simply said and avoided their curious eyes. “Levi's probably told you everything already, anyway.” I heard a snort leave Levi's mouth behind me. There was no way I'd be able to talk about it on my own; the fear of rejection was not too keen on leaving.

“So he says,” he retorted, and stepped away from the post. He circled around the three of us and finally settled down on a nearby bench, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket.

Both of my previous commanding officers looked beyond belief excited. They went on to ask me affirming questions for the span of around twenty minutes while Levi kept spilling cigarette ash onto the ground. He smoked one cigarette after the other, and I would've reprimanded him for it, if not for the avalanche of incoming questions practically drowning me.

Not that I minded, but it was hard to give short answers to questions that required long explanations. I opted for 'yes' or 'no' where I could.

“Is it true I was a military commander, Eren?”

“Yes, it's true.”

“You've actually _seen_ a real titan?” Hange, this time.

“Yes.”

“And this..Scouting Legion, which supposedly all of us were a part of, actively combated titans outside the walls?”

“Yes, you should know this from your history class already,” I said, slightly exasperated.

“What kind of emotions do these flashbacks make you feel?”

“Wha-” I stuttered.

“How was life back then, anyway?”

“I can only imagine living with such limited resources in that economy.”

Their endless questions eventually became one even mess of incoming nonsense: I could hardly keep track of what I was currently asked, because even before I could answer, another question was asked. I wanted to scream, pretty sure Levi had answered all of these questions for them before.

Levi, who had no desire to partake in this conversation whatsoever, was probably finishing up the last of his cigarettes. As my one-sided chat with Erwin and Hange progressed, I could see his brows knitting closer together by minute.

“That's enough,” he finally barked, voice dripping with irritation. “Can't you see he can't even fucking keep up with you anymore?”

A bit sheepishly, both Erwin and Hange pulled away from me. Their shy behaviour was replaced a moment later, though, when a wide smile crossed Erwin's face.

“I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a drink: All this talking has made me thirsty.”

All I could do was gape at Erwin when a bottle that had to contain at least a litre of liquor appeared from the opened hems of his coat. Levi stirred notably at that.

“No,” he said with a hint of anxiousness. “No, guys. We have school tomorrow.”

Hange shot him a drowsy grin. “Come on, Levi. It's never bothered you before. Or maybe you're chickening out in front of our new friend here, hm?”

“Fuck off,” he snarled. “Go drown yourself somewhere.”

Erwin turned to me just as the lid came off the bottle. “How about it, Eren? Care for a drink?”

 

I had tried to decline at some point, I really had. That reluctance seemed so far away now that, for what seemed like one too many times already, the opening of the bottle pressed against my lips. Almost in the blink of an eye, everyone was in an elevated mood and the previous heavy atmosphere had dissolved. Sat in a circle, we were laughing, I realized. Erwin's smooth bariton ringing loud above everyone else's.

I didn't know what was in the bottle, since I'd been a complete virgin when it came to alcohol. The substance had a juniper taste, sort of piney, and I couldn't say I either liked or hated it. It wasn't until later I'd learned that it had been gin. We passed the booze around in a circle and each time I'd consume a bigger amount at once. I didn't want to stop and I didn't know if I could've, honestly.

I loved the intoxicated feeling and the way alcohol made my head spun. Without even considering that I'd positively have to be up and about the next day, I drowned the liquid like there was no tomorrow. I noticed Levi eyeing me with concern, but I paid it little to no attention when Hange slapped me on the back rather enthusiastically.

“Attaboy, Eren! You drink like a god damn sailor!” A bit shyly, I smiled into the collar of my jacket. The grin kept stretching my lips abnormally wide and I thought my face was going to rip in half. The strange feeling spread across my entire body and I felt myself grow notably lighter in weight.

Even though Hange said that, and I was definitely tearing at the bottle faster than I should have, them and Erwin almost seemed to be in a rush to get wasted off their minds. Before we knew it, half of the contents had seemingly magically vanished.

“Slow down, Eren,” Levi whispered into my ear at one point. “We still need to get back to the house.”

A welcome exhaustion had started to settle itself into my body, but I was still as jolly as one could be in this situation.

“It's okay, Cap,” I drawled with a grin, an unexpected hiccup tearing into my voice.

“Just a few more.” My voice had faded to a mumble when I reached out to grab the bottle from Erwin: Levi's hand stopped me, latching onto my wrist.

“That's quite enough.” He said, still managing to sound impossibly coherent. My best guess was that he'd been holding himself back tonight. That, or he wasn't much of a drinker.

Levi had to physically drag me away from the “pot-circle” we'd formed on the pavement. He got my hand around his neck and after a few struggled steps, practically threw me on the grass some meters away.

He knelt down in front of me and pulled his phone from his jeans' back pocket. A nervous glance to the screen opted him to tell me that it was nearly midnight already. I let out a chuckle; I was sure I would've cared under normal circumstances, but at the moment I truly did not.

“Holy shit, that's pretty late.” I pointed out without much of an indication of surprise in my voice. The words came out of my mouth in a slurred manner and I wasn't completely sure whether I was even comprehensible to normal ears. Levi pinched his temple. I noticed that his legs were a bit wobbly when he shifted himself to sit on his heels.

“Just don't take any more and we should be okay to leave in around two hours or so.”

“We can go now,” I said, ready to do just about anything – I felt full of energy.

He sighed. “No, we can't. You can barely stand up on your own.” The irritation/desperation on his face was so evident that I immediately felt like shit.

“I'm sorry,” I said truthfully. “I don't know what I was thinking.” Before I knew it, for some unfathomable reason, I had begun to sob aggressively. It didn't even make sense, really. Tears were streaming down my face and it felt so ridiculous and my own confusion was mirrored in Levi's features.

“You're always disappointed in me,” I choked back a sob before realising how my face was running wet at an alarming rate. I blamed it on my state of drunkenness, and hoped that Levi would, too. I wasn't particularly openly sentimental, if I could say so myself. My thought process would often wander and I could get incredibly emotional, yes, but I'd chosen to keep most if it locked behind the heavy door that was my mind.

“I'm not,” he simply said. Hange and Erwin were still in the greatest of moods, it seemed, as their laughter wouldn't quiet down. Apparently they'd landed on a heated discussion about one of their assignments due the next day; it turned out both of them in fact did attend the local community college. It also came to light that neither of them had finished with the paper.

“You are, though. I've always caused you trouble before, and now I'm doing it again.” I was heavily referencing to the past, and he probably caught up on it. “I'm getting us in trouble again.”

“Don't say stupid shit, Eren.” he retorted. “Although I wish you hadn't ignored my warning before, this is okay. We're going to get through this.” His voice had taken on a calming tone, and I quickly found myself calming down visibly.

My eyes were so blurred I could barely see, so I wiped the sleeve of my jacket over my face. When Levi realized I couldn't do a satisfactory job in my current state, he reached up and dried the rest up himself.

As the fabric of the sleeve of his jacket gently patted down on my face, Hange and Erwin had come up to us. Both of them were swaying around pretty dangerously and for a moment it seemed like I'd recovered some of my common sense.

“It's all gone,” Erwin pointed out and swung the empty bottle around in front of my face. For a moment I was scared he'd accidentally hit either me or Levi, but when he chucked the empty glass into a nearby bush, I let out a sigh of relief.

Hange shrugged. “What now?”. I was seriously impressed how the hell both them and Erwin still managed to stand up and walk or even speak somewhat coherent words. Not wanting to fall short to them, I pushed myself up from the ground.

Levi was up within a flash to support me, had I needed him to. After testing my wobbly feet and realizing that they'd do a decent enough job at supporting me, I felt kind of proud.

From that point onwards, everyone just sort of scattered on the location. By everyone, I mean Erwin and Hange, who obviously did not like staying still and went on to 'explore' the surrounding area.

Erwin sat himself down on a bench further away from us: for the first time in the night, I could say he looked pretty beat. He'd quieted down and was simply just sitting there, staring into the dark of the night.

Hange was pacing the shapely newly-trimmed strip of hedge, and for some reason looked a bit bewildered. Levi let out a sigh and shot me an all-knowing look. I had no idea what for. At that point I was still pretty dazed myself, but slowly but surely regaining stability. The fresh air did good and I inhaled twice as much in drawn out breaths as I normally would've.

Suddenly, Hange jerked in place and brought their hand up to their mouth.

Me and Levi shared an apathetic look when they stumbled over their feet and fell head-first into the hedge. Hange emptied their stomach with loud gurgling sounds, which made Levi pull the most horrified grimace I'd ever seen on his face. I found it rather amusing – his reaction shed no worry over Hange's well-being, so I conducted that they were fine. Instead, I was forced to tearing my eyes from their figure dwindling around in the bush as I felt my own stomach twist at the sounds leaving their mouth. If I kept staring for long I was sure to follow suit.

Erwin, still sitting over by the bench, seemed to have broken into song. His body manically swayed left and right in surprisingly good synchronization with the tune, although the words came out sloppy and slurred and I had no god damn idea what that song was even supposed to be about. Instead, I feared he'd fall over and break his neck or something.

“He sings that same song every god damn time,” Levi sighed, and basically answered my unsaid question. “No one still knows what the original version exactly is.”

He tugged at my sleeve and led me away from them. I didn't know where exactly we'd even go in that blinding darkness, but my head spun in the nicest of ways and by this point I'd probably follow him anywhere.

Levi led me away from the exposure of the street lamps and we finally came to a halt some fifty meters away from the others. A slight worry over them tinged my thought process, but I was soon distracted.

Now that we stood in complete dark and the light pollution wasn't so evident, I could finally see the sky: millions of stars and galaxies unfolding right above us. I was breathless.

Had I tried mapping out the stars spread across the space of sky above us it would've probably taken me centuries. Hundreds of unique correlations and I practically drowned in the complexity and beauty of it all. These same stars had watched over us two millenniums ago. The world had changed but the stars stayed the same; and they would for millions of years to follow.

“Wow.” I simply gaped, and couldn't tear my eyes from what lied above. Levi stood in front of me, fully attentive to my face, rather than the sky which was undeniably a more intriguing sight.

“Eren, do you know what this place is?” He then asked, and I was a bit confused.

“What do you mean? It's a park.” I pointed out, finally focusing my attention to his face. Nearby, a church bell indicated another hour that had passed. It must've been around 1 am by now.

He let out a silent laugh and his voice came off as sort of sorrowful when he said, “That too, but not only.”

I looked around then, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. At first I could only make out dark silhouettes of mostly trees (I was still mildly freaked out by them, even in my blissful intoxication). When my vision reached its peak, a huge dark mass of what looked like stone began to grotesquely stick out against the beautiful night sky.

I couldn't help the gasp that escaped my lips. “The Wall?”

And even though I couldn't quite see that well, I could feel Levi's lips twisting into a sad half-smile behind me.

“What's left of it,” he elaborated.

As far as I was concerned, most of the Walls had been torn down (destroyed?) at one point in time, and no reminder of their existence should've existed. Yet here it was, Wall Rose, although a small fragment of it still preserved. About ten meters in length and maybe about as much in height. The only reminder to follow our souls through the ages.

I paced over to the stone and tentatively reached out my hand to touch it. The cool stone felt almost warm under my skin and a wave of sudden nostalgia overtook me.

But something was not quite right. As I let my hands roam over the surface of the once so great Wall Rose, my right hand bumped into something unexpected and rough.

A chunk of a bigger rock or boulder of some sort, I realized. But not until I turned my confused eyes to Levi was when I fully understood.

“No way.” I breathed. This was here, it was real. I should've known: I had put it here myself.

“The southern gate” Levi announced, voice a bit hoarse when he spoke, and I felt sort of jealous that he'd already discovered so much in material, while I hadn't even managed to find the right people until very recently.

“I can't believe they haven't torn this down,” I reiterated the thought in my head out loud. They certainly hadn't bothered to preserve any other evidence of the Walls, so how was this part different?

Frost mist had settled on the grass around us and it crunched under Levi's boots when he stepped over to the Wall. We took a minute and just stood in complete silence; of course, interrupted by the distant sound of Erwin's slurred song.

“It's a cultural monument or some shit. _'850, humanity's first reclamation of land in the southernmost district of Wall Rose, Trost.'_ is what it reads when it's light enough to see.”

Something snapped in my head. “Are there more of these?” Maybe something similar could've given us clues as to what exactly happened.

Levi let out a heavy breath. “No, there's nothing. Just like there's nothing in the books.”

Oh, right. I should've known. For some annoyingly irritating reason no one knew just what exactly had put an end to the Titan Era, even though it was as ridiculous as it sounded.

It wasn't even like humanity was trying to cover up for the whole ordeal – I doubted they would've let that ugly piece of eroding rock stay stuck in the Wall for some 2,000 years had they thought otherwise. After all, with modern technology it'd be so ridiculously simple to get completely rid of it, and I allowed a joyless grin break past my lips. Had we this kind of technology in the 800's, we probably could've broken down that crystal as well.

For a brief moment I mourned the human being that had once been Annie Leonhardt. I realized long ago I hated associating Annie with the Female Titan, or her dreams and aspirations with the ones of that monster. I did not know what had happened to the crystal since the last time I saw the Scouting Legion chaining it up and dragging it underground with her still stuck inside of it. But even I knew there wasn't a chance it could've still stood under the city of Sina. And even if that was somehow possible, I highly doubted that she'd still be alive in that thing. Assuming she hadn't died right there and then when enclosing herself in that damn thing.

I let my hand slide down the rough surface of the boulder until it finally settled on my side. Thinking about the past was painful, and every minute I spent with Levi was spent stuck in the past I could never have back to myself.

I couldn't have imagined it any other way.

Levi broke the silence first.

“Say,” he began. “Do you think we're allowed these memories for a specific reason?”

I snorted. “I don't particularly consider it to be a gift of the gods or anything.”

“But, yeah,” I quickly added. “There might be a reason. If it's not anything explainable, there must be at least something. It's ridiculous how everyone else is allowed to start over and we are not, you know?”

Levi cast his eyes down at the ground and I saw his bashful side again. “Maybe,” he quickly licked his lips and continued to fiddle with the uppermost piercing in his right ear when he tried expressing his thoughts again.

“Maybe, I think, I don't even want to start over.”

“Huh?” I was a bit surprised. How could anyone – especially him – think those kinds of thoughts when the world is clearly no longer at war with the titans? Far from peaceful, and humans had now expanded on their previously minor ideas of fighting amongst eachother, but still a world where both him and I could've potentially found our peace in.

“I don't belong here. I hate this world.” His words were barely louder than a whisper and I doubted they'd been even meant for me. His crestfallen expression and the heaviness of his words made my heart ache; my hand latched onto his shoulder.

“Hey, hey, don't say that. Don't.” I reiterated over again. “Why are you even saying that? Isn't this much better?”

Levi's look indicated that he would not want to elaborate any further. So I was relieved when he exhaled a sigh of surrender.

“You know what 'anomie' means, Eren?”

I shook my head. I'd heard that word before somewhere, but never learned its meaning.

Levi's leg landed a soft blow to the boulder in front of us.

“It's the feeling of a sense of purposelessness,” he quickly explained. I noticed that he would not look at me, still. “Resulting in fragmentation of social identity and rejection of self-regulatory values.”

He'd said that last part so silently, I almost did not hear him at all. But instantly, I knew what he was talking about.

“Oh, Levi..” Displaying empathy and comforting people had never been one of my strong sides that I'd been used to demonstrate often. I probably seemed really awkward pulling his body into my heavily clothed chest. I latched my arms around him and waited patiently for whatever it was that was to follow.

“Why else do I waste my life away like this?” he said dryly into the fabric of my jacket. I knew he was referring to skipping class, smoking, drinking and whatever suspicious stuff he may or may not have been doing with Hange and Erwin. Levi's voice was muffled, but he himself stayed calm and surprisingly level-headed when he spoke.

“Back then, I was so dedicated to doing my job, I seldom had time for anything that didn't involve titans at all. I was good at what I did and people looked up to me for it. Somehow, keeping busy throughout my entire life and being useful, I-” his voice broke then, but I never heard him even as much as choke back a sob.

When Levi fell silent, I tore him away from my chest to get a direct look at his face.

He looked entirely indifferent – and that really fucking scared me.

“This world has no place for me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH! I forgot to mention - thanks for your kind words and support! With the last update, this fic passed CR in both kudos and bookmarks (!!!) and I'm honestly so glad because I really do put some thought process into DYR and your support means the world to me!
> 
> /my tumblr, if anyone is interested, is still captain-short-shit.tumblr.com


	7. Don't Underestimate Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First chapter from Levi's POV! Past!Levi has a pretty dark mindset, there is mention of torture. (Present!Levi is such a lovestruck kid though oh my god)  
> This chapter is basically supposed to 'bridge' to the next one, so please bear with me xd

 

_I refused to believe that something so small and insignificant could create that much damage. It had become increasingly harder to breathe and the corners of my eyes had grown too hot for comfort; don't get me wrong – I don't cry, there isn't a point. I wasn't going to give this...monster the satisfaction, although it was more than certain she couldn't sight anyone from behind her closed lids and the shell of the crystal surrounding her stiffened body. My lips pursed into a thin line. A forced repression of emotion._

_Annie Leonhardt. On first glance she wouldn't have been anything special to normal eyes. Just another graduate more-or-less capable in her field of work. It was ridiculous to believe that this small, seemingly unimportant bitch had on her shoulders at least a third of the entire blame for humanity's second downfall. The lives of thousands upon thousands. All I wanted in my personal interests was to see her brought before the court, and eventually, executed. That would have been justice._

_'I hate you' I thought to myself and dug my eyes deeper into her face. The tears on her immoral face at that moment – had she simply feared for her own life or actually felt something akin to remorse? Well, it didn't matter what she thought. The only thought in her miserable life that she should've perhaps evaluated more closely was her decision to draw those titans to the walls. Maybe if she'd given it more consideration she would not be in this situation now, hm?_

_'You murderer. I hate you.' Reiterating that thought, maybe I hoped she'd also get inside of my head and discover the real depths of my hate for her and her kind. 'I hope you die in there.'_

_For a brief moment, I evaluated my thoughts again._

_'No, in fact, I hope one day you'll emerge, weak and helpless. And when you do, I'll tie you up, beat you, humiliate you. Make you pay for everything. Make you atone for your crimes.'_

_Hange still continued to stand next to me. I had no idea how many minutes it had been. Could've been hours, but I doubted that. Time had been stopped for Leonhardt. Now it seemed like track of time had also been lost for me._

_'I'll pull out your nails, tear that golden hair from your head, scratch your skin off your bones, break your fingers, break your mind. Destroy you from the inside. Destroy, destroy-'_

_“Are you going to be okay?” Hange asked, their eyes still locked on what had by now become an unmoving piece of rock. The dim torchlight was reflected in the thousands of prisms within the crystal, and danced off the surface beautifully; the rock seemed to be twinkling. To anyone else, the sight might've appeared mesmerizing._

_I only saw blood. Bright, red blood flickering across the cavern surface in disgusting aurorae._

_“What are you even saying? Of course.” I replied without any difficulty. I'd learned that the darker the depths of my mind got, the easier it would be to keep the surface in a permanent state of calm._

_For once they weren't wearing that shit-eating grin. I think that the look Hange shot me held more worry than anything._

_“Levi..” they began, in a tone similar to what you'd address a disobedient child with. “It's okay if you want to talk about it; including everything that's happened – this is not okay in the least. It's normal to want consolation.”_

_I just went and straight out avoided their main point. “Looks to me that the bitch got just what she wanted.”_

_“None of us we're ready for this sort of outcome,” they said carefully. “Even though we have Eren, who has been most helpful in our experiments, he's still a total novice who hasn't presented any potential for extraordinary talents yet. Nothing like-” they generously swung their arm in the direction of the crystal “-that. Comparing Eren to Annie, who's an entirely different specimen and has at least five years of experience on him – it's quite literally been impossible to predict anything right off the bat.”_

_That's right. Everything was a gamble these days. Had been from the start, really. Deep within my conscious, I'd probably known all along. Maybe I'd just been able to avert my attention from that bottomless pit of darkness and death that I'd now been pushed dangerously close to._

_I was about to fall over the edge. I was about to be sucked into it._

_“This can't be good for the Legion,” I drew an exasperated breath, forcing my attention away from the nagging thoughts concerning today's events. The issue of our already fragile organisation was far more urgent. “Erwin's already been summoned to the Capital.”_

_Hange shot a considering look at the wall across from them. “It's pretty troubling, isn't it? We're going to end up getting disbanded at this rate.”_

_“He's got to account for his own actions.” I said nonchalantly. “I wouldn't be surprised if they'll decide to hang him in the morrow.”_

_“Levi!” Hange hissed, a wary warning. “Don't say such things out loud, please.”_

_They were worried. We all were ; hell, I was worried. Erwin's perishing would mark the inevitable downfall of the Scouting Legion. He was the only one that could at least semi-successfully manage our establishment for the time being, without him we'd be sure to fall apart._

_Well, if he was to be held accountable for his crimes, I would be sure to hang in the gallows alongside him. Whatever further actions I took – the decision had already practically been made._

_My heartbeat picked up the pace again and I wished I could stay indifferent while the inside of my chest drummed like thunder. Beads of cold sweat broke out on my forehead, and I felt dizzier by the minute._

_“I need a rest,” I said dryly. “I'm leaving now.”_

_Turning my back to them and that thing which I never wanted to lay my eyes on again, I took a careful step. Although weak, my legs were still reliable. I could feel the tired muscles beneath my skin twitching as a sign of protest. I hurried along the cobble flooring as fast as I could without appearing panicked, when Hange's voice made me halt in my tracks._

_“What's to happen to Eren now?”_

_Carefully, I turned around to face them. “What's that supposed to mean?”_

_“I doubt they'll let him go without punishment now that he's wrecked the city and caused the deaths of so many. It would only be irresponsible to let us keep hold of him any longer.”_

_“Oi,” I growled. “Stop stating shit. Erwin will-” A pause, I licked my lips. My throat had gone dry, because even I failed to believe the words I told them then._

_“Erwin will take care of it.”_

_“And if he fails to do so?” Hange asked, a challenging glare in their eyes, but seeing through their initial layer I could tell they were just as uncertain and anxious as I was._

_“Then we'll all hang.”_

_I was completely exhausted._

\---

 

On Wednesday morning, I left Eren right where I'd practically forced him last night – in his bed. He was complaining a headache and a sick stomach, so without giving it much thought, I ordered him to stay put.

He didn't seem to mind himself, but by the stern look I'd received from his mother – Carla, was it? - told me that she knew exactly what was wrong with her son. A couple of chills ran over my spine in cold jolts and I was somewhat glad I hadn't encountered her in my previous lifetime. After a friendly smile and feigned concern for Eren – who was, according to himself, going down with a fever – I took off, several other things on my mind as I made it to the bus.

School wasn't anything new; I'd been forced to spending my breaks avoiding Jean Kirschstein if I ever wanted to graduate high school and therefore had decided to spend most of my time in the library; even avoiding the back of the building, where recently hordes of students had started gathering in what I liked to call  _the Levi stakeout._ Whether their real intentions had anything to do involving me or not, Jean was almost always present among many others. So I just, sort of, assumed.

I looked out of the window from the second floor in the library and let out a sigh. It was ridiculous how much disdain people held for me in this school, and almost twice as ridiculous was the fact that I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't able to help myself – A small burst of uncontrolled laughter escaped my lips and earned me a few sideways glances from other students in the quiet room. Get this – _I'm_ the agitator here. Not Kirschstein, not his gang of braindead fanatics. Me.

I could have gone plenty of minutes sitting around snarling over the dipshit school faculty without getting bored, trust me. But today, I wasn't there to sit idly and watch the second hand run circles around the dial. For once I had actual business.

The flashback from the previous night was still fresh in my mind, and the new information allowed me some bits to play around with. I went up to the librarian and asked for a book, a pamphlet, anything really, involving the underground tunnels of Sina, these days a famous tourist attraction (for whatever reason – the tunnels were full of mold, dust and reeked of mustiness).

The older woman at the desk shot me a crappily repressed look of incredulity, but didn't say anything as a history book along with a vague tourist map were stacked on the tabletop in front of me.

I chose a more desolate corner to seat myself, and tugged a notebook from the depths of my bag. Eren's recordings had urged me to think more highly of written data, which I had never really bothered with up until now. Having scattered the material out on the table, I spread out the map as the first course of action.

And as expected from something meant for mere tourism value rather than actually orienting, the thing was kind of impossible to read. The widespread maze of tunnels twisting and turning across eachother left me pretty exasperated. Had it been one of the maps we'd used to devise our mission back then I would've probably been able to detect the right spot immediately.

I quickly browsed the book, but, finding nothing but historical information in the table of contents, disregarded it without much thought. As I stared at the city map next to the underground plan, I tried making the right connections.

 _That's where that government building was- and somewhere around here was where it got dragged underground._ Sloppily, I scraped a couple of lines across the paper, creating a more-or-less accurate copy of the tunnel system. Or at least the parts that I had interest in.

One would presume that there'd be no logical reason how the crystal could have remained stuck in that tourist trap when nearly all of the ancient tunneling is now available for exploration by pretty much everyone who should want to do so. Still, the ' _nearly all'_ read off of the first pages of the history book gave me more hope than they probably should have. _There's got to be restricted or completely shut off passages here somewhere._

But then what told me that no one had already discovered the crystal and secured it away somewhere safer in secret? Or that the one captive inside could not have escaped at any point in time? Two thousand years had passed, after all. It's difficult to keep an eye on everything when you're gone from the world for so long.

Just in case, I went ahead and snapped a few photos with my phone. Eren would probably have wanted to hear about this. The girl had been his friend and all. I had an entirely different reasoning behind me.

It was still kind of impossible to tell the exact spot where the crystal should have rested, so I marked the possible spots with red marker. Only on-spot investigation could prove anything now. I stacked what I'd borrowed and put away the notebook. Looking at the clock, I realized I still had a few minutes to spare. Returning the book along with the pamphlet, I cast a slightly worried look outside. To my great relief, most of the people originally there had begun to disperse.

I wouldn't take off before the bell, though, so I went back to the desolate table and found it in me to relax into the chair. For a few moments I fiddled around with my phone, but soon got bored with it – I had no business online, and at this hour it would have been impossible to text either Hange or Erwin as they were both in class. So I couldn't help but think of Eren and how uncomfortably eager we'd both been on the previous day when we found ourselves on his bed. I let my head fall to the table with a thud.

So ridiculous – after all we were both only fifteen, barely knew eachother and were both undeniably stuck in the past. If there was a way to prevent these things from repeating themselves all over again, I would've wanted to know. I didn't know what we had been in our previous lives, but falling for Eren again, or getting involved in a physical manner, was _not_ a good idea. Wasn't the whole point of reincarnation and second chances in starting over fresh?

I felt horrible for looking in the past for a place to belong. For some reason, this blessing (?) had been granted to us. Why not make most of it, then? If I had been in my right mind at the time, I probably would've told Eren from the start that we weren't going to become anything more than maybe good friends and companions of destiny.

Except I probably wouldn't have told him that even then. Because holding him like that, laying next to him in the dark, or even when his ablaze eyes practically ate me up – I'd been hit with something so nostalgic that it seemed real, and right unconditionally. I wanted to get close to him, get to know him in this world, and never tell another lie again. I wanted to permit myself to care. Staying indifferent about Eren wasn't possible.

The ringing of the bell announced the end of a lesson and I got up from the chair just as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I shuffled through the cluster of chairs and tables, looking down at the lit up screen.

I didn't know the number. Or I might have, if the ID hadn't been changed to “Unknown Number”. A bit dumbfoundedly, I stared at the message.

_“Why don't you come out?”_

I cocked an eyebrow, but didn't think to be alert when I opened the door to the hallway, phone still in hand. I didn't know anyone who had my number and would've had a reason to text me at this hour. Let alone as “Unknown Number”.

I took a step into the hallway when someone slammed into me, knocking breath out of my lungs. I was thrown against the wall with that same mass still on top of me.

“Kirscshtein!” I hissed, struggling against his grip.

The said asshole now had me by the collar of my shirt, and suddenly I felt the ground below my feet disappear.

“Think you can fucking avoid me, huh?” he spat, and this time I noticed he was completely alone. There weren't any bystanders either, miraculously, considering recess is like the rush hour of the school. I trashed around, but his hold only strengthened. I got a good look at his face from above, and with some self-satisfaction acknowledged the swelling below his left eye and bruises blooming along his nose.

“What do you want?” I asked tiredly, drawling out the words. Sure, I was anxious, mostly threatened by the impending eviction looming above my head. Or rather, the eviction was waiting for me restlessly in my right fist that was so desperate to kiss the tip of Jean's jaw.

“You should show some god damn respect, you faggot. I'm sure you know your fate is in my hands right now,” he growled. “Don't push your luck.”

From a passing, rather entertaining thought in my head, I spat directly at his face. Jean was startled by that; his grip on my collar released and I nearly collapsed back to the ground, only to be caught by his hands coiling around my neck. He was furious.

“Don't say shit you don't even believe.” A mocking grin spread across my lips. “I just wont hit back, and you'll get the blame for every single bruise you'll decide to put on my body.”

Now, it was him who sneered, and for some reason his expression made my blood run cold. Clearly Jean wasn't bothered by the least, because he knew that he still dominated here.

“You think you're such tough shit, huh?” he snarled, and slowly, I started to feel his grip suffocate me. Briefly, a thought of bringing my knee to his crotch and leaving him infertile passed through my head, but for now I passed on that.

I tried to remember the reason behind why all this shit with Jean had even started in the first place, but couldn't come up with one particular event. My best guess was that it all had built up slowly, bringing me to that present moment. By that point I was completely sure that his hands were going to leave pretty purple marks along my neck, and if I wasn't choking on my own breath, I would've only seen that as positive. Mr. Horse hadn't really thought this through at all.

Staying submissive to him, however, wasn't something I particularly appreciated. I felt like a teacher outsmarted by his student, a wolf eaten by a rabbit; I didn't belong here, in Jean's strangling hold. Enough was enough. When he tried digging his nails into the flesh of my neck, I let out a low growl and brought my foot up to his lower abdomen. A strong shove sent him staggering backwards and his fingers released my neck.

Before he could stand up, I launched myself at him and straddled his waist. My hands reached to keep his wrists down on the ground with enough strength to resist him trashing around.

“Keep in mind that I can still punch you in the dick if I so damn well please.” I stated and just snickered when he bared his teeth to me. “I highly doubt you'll whip your cock out and demonstrate it in front of the entire school faculty.”

He wriggled around under me, but I was hardly affected by it at all.

“Don't fucking underestimate me, Jean Kirschstein. I am capable of killing you with my bare hands. Keep that in mind the next time you or your puppies come fucking harassing me again.”

I moved off of him, got up and walked away. He didn't follow after me.

 


	8. Tranquility Was a Nine Day Wonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another longer chapter that was divided into two. Look forward to chapter 9 in a few days!

Chapter 8

Eren's POV

 

Weeks passed, a month, the temperature dropped and store shells filled with holiday cheer. The first snow came down and brought along agonizing rush hour traffic jams, ice locked doors and frolicking children, who didn't have a care for the struggles of the rest of us. Plows were on-duty constantly, clearing snow from the roads, much to the trafficker's relief. The school bus would nearly always be ten minutes late, but at least I always had a decent explanation.

Speaking of school, my grades were average or slightly above, and I did not have any more unexcused absences. I preferred it stayed that way. Mom had visibly relaxed ever since I'd somehow proven myself capable of filling the semi-exemplary student role. The same went for Mikasa, who'd apparently made friends with another girl at her school. She'd sworn to introduce us sometime in the future.

Armin was a lot of help for my studying and he honestly did more than I could've ever asked. I also made friends – or, rather, acquaintances – with a few people from my classes, but they stayed fairly distant and uninterested for the most part. I knew their names, but that's kind of where the line got drawn. The need for their emotional or physical presence had not and would never raise head in me.

My contact with Levi wasn't as frequent as I would've liked, and he seemed constantly busy. He wouldn't idle away at the back of the school anymore, but that was reasonable of him, considering everything. He'd managed to avoid conflict for the most part, but was now spending his recesses somewhere else. It shouldn't have been my problem, but it was.

Even though Levi wasn't originally in most of my classes, I was considerably bothered by his lack of presence. Of course, I essentially deemed that it was something _I_ did wrong, but he didn't show any signs of avoiding me either. Levi simply looked very busy, whatever the hell he was doing. He'd still 'hi' me in the morning, and occasionally appear at mine and Armin's table at lunch (when the latter wasn't busy glaring daggers at him). But for the most part, Levi was nowhere to be seen.

Still, Christmas was at the doorstep and I would have known to expect his birthday. Except I couldn't, because even birthdays were completely different now and I hadn't gotten around to asking him about it yet. Although we had definitely spoken a lot about the similarities-x-differences matters previously, he hadn't been exactly keen on telling me the date of his second birth, for whatever reason.

So when I finally confronted him about it on the third week of December, the momentary frantic movement of his pupils didn't go unnoticed as he searched for a way out of answering me.

“Why does it matter when my birthday is?” he said, slow and calculating. I had cornered him during lunch break just as he was about to make another one of his ever-gracious exits.

“Obviously it matters.” I looked at Levi like he was some sort of lunatic, because his indifference almost managed to convince me he could've been one. “If your birthday is coming up, you _need_ to tell me. It's pretty much common sense, you know?”

He studied my expression briefly before lowering his brows in an annoyed frown. “Why does it matter now, when I've never celebrated before?”

It was true that he'd never cared much or hadn't gotten around to it during the brief years I'd known him. But now that he'd finally have a chance to do this _one blissfully average thing_ , he'd just still not give a shit. It was beyond me.

“You're, what, fifteen? Sixteen? Stop acting like -like you're all high and mighty and shit. You should relax a little, you know? Why is it that when you could _finally_ do something that a normal person would consider mandatory, you're still trying to prove that you're this stoic _asshole_ that doesn't care about anything, hm?”

I know that backtalking him wasn't going to prove useful in the long run, and could've easily earned me a well-justified slap on the ear, had I still been his to command around. Now, he honestly had no choice but to listen to me bitch at him.

Despite my aggressive outburst, Levi seemed sort of unmoved, and needless to say I was infuriated. Right now I was some annoying dumbass whose hostile words he'd no choice but to tolerate, and as soon as I'd decide to shut up, he'd make a beeline for the door.

Small things like these: the way he rolled his eyes and sighed and avoided my gaze and had always managed to finish his business in the cafeteria way before I had even arrived. It was things like these that made me consider the possibility that he just simply wanted to get rid of me. My thoughts ran laps around my own very personal subconscious hell to find a hole in that perfectly reasonable-sounding explanation. Maybe who I was now was not good enough for Levi, who had memories of a distinctly different me. I liked to tell myself it was because of some emotional attachment, not that I somehow came second to my ancient counterpart physically.

“Look,” Levi began, some sort of hesitancy still clinging to his voice, like he literally _did_ not want to tell me, which even by concept seemed ridiculous. Who cares _this much_ about when their birthday is? There isn't a '666' day in the calendar. And it's not like anyone will laugh, either. Unlike when you tell people that your name is Charlie Horse Dick or that you were named after a cartoon character.

“If you really care so much, it's on March 15th.”

Oh, so it was true that Levi no longer shared a birthday with baby Jesus, not that the concept of Christianity had even existed inside the Walls. What fazed me the most, though, was the date's close proximity to my own birthday. Not that it would have been anything special _under normal circumstances_ , maybe deserving a light-hearted high-five.

“Mine's on March 13th, just so we're even.” Was what I said, even though it must've come out really offhandedly, because my mind was somewhere else, processing the information.

It didn't strike me before like it should have about a month ago. Just like with Armin, Levi was the same age as me. Also, the dates of our birthdays fell on the same month. Like it had just happened yesterday, I remembered Armin's lifeless body in my reach, ocean blues glazed over and inanimate. I was also aware of how it happened, just minutes, maybe hours, before my own downfall. On the same day, definitely. In this new life, reincarnation dates, these new birthdays, we're all connected. Maybe even chronological to our deaths. So, Levi..

I snapped back to attention, eyes locked onto Levi's grey orbs. Almost desperately: I wanted him to prove me wrong. He must've read my mind. Just as I was about to speak, ask him exactly _what the hell happened on that day_ , Levi started elbowing his way past me, pushing my shoulder out of his way. I think I saw a glimpse of guilt flash across his face in a quick, barely recognizable flicker, before he was suddenly in a hurry, but I might have been wrong. It could have very well been my own desperation mirrored by that point.

I reached out to grab a hold of his wrist and force him to attention, because we were _definitely_ not done here and _how in the right mind do you think we could avoid having this conversation?_ I _knew_ there had to be a reason he would never talk about his death. Always switch topics whenever I'd bring it up. Clearly, he'd been pained by it. And now this was about much more than maybe just having a friendly piece of celebratory cake together.

He expected my hand coming for his wrist by some unfathomable, probably ancient reflex still locked in the back of his mind. Before I could withdraw or latch onto my target, Levi's own hand flew up. A rejecting smack against the inside of my palm was more mental hurt than physical pain. And _how do you_ explain my sudden wish for it to have been physical pain?

“Why?” I half yelled, voice raising by accident.

And yes, there may have been some hidden guilt in Levi's eyes as he backed off, but all I saw was this blank, nondescript stare that made cold run down my spine in jolts. Like he still hesitated, Levi slowly shook his head before turning his back on me and rushing out of the cafeteria.

I don't know what caused this reaction in him. But I had an idea, now. I stared darkly at the well trimmed roughness of his undercut while Levi nudged through the crowd blocking his exit. And then, suddenly, he was gone. Disappearing to do- whatever it was that Levi did lately. It wasn't like he'd enlighten me about it.

I threw my arms above my head in an exasperated motion and decided that I was done with everything Levi for the day. If he'd like to be a jerk about it, so be it.

There was nothing I could vent my frustration out on, and no one in my life that should have fallen victim to this barely controlled anger inside of me. I wanted to scream, trash around and break furniture, because my hot-headedness never really went away. Levi and his fucking pain-in-the-ass stubbornness, but then also my own idiotic perseverance were bound to also collide in this life. These stupidly similar common traits of ours had constantly resulted in poor communication. It was ridiculous of me to think we could even get along in the first place, but how do you let go of someone that anchors you to your primal essence?

I was already in too deep. I didn't know whether the same could be said for him.

 

Armin was there waiting for me, though. Like usually. He was sitting at our table, picking at his food like he didn't even believe it was edible. I honestly had no idea why he continued to throw away his money like that. When he spotted me from across the room, our eyes met and I was shot a warm smile.

I joined him at the table and returned the familiarity, albeit _my_ expression might have appeared almost pained with my teeth bared and forcedly clenched together. I'd always been told my eyes could speak a thousand times more than my mouth. Right now they must not have mentioned anything even similar to happiness, gratitude or the likes of, either. I was _bubbling with_ anger.

That didn't lessen the fact that I appreciated the hell out of Armin; the past month had been great for us. With me constantly needing his help in pretty much every subject, he slowly began opening up to me and I realized just how much I'd missed his friendship.

Things were almost back to normal. _Almost._

“Eren, are you listening to me? I said you look like you have a cactus up your ass.”

Another thing that had taken some time getting used to. Armin was surprisingly crude, and once you got past his initial layers of temperance and awkward shyness, he'd pretty much tell you what he was thinking straight off the cuff. Even if his choice of wording would sometimes have made his ancient counterpart roll around in his grave.

Right, I forgot that the Armin I knew was dead. More often as days went by. More often than I'd liked to admit.

I knew what he meant, but for the sake of nothing better to say, I opted for hearing his take on it.

“Really?” I asked in feigned surprise, because I knew signs of my unmistakable irritation would be clearly visible to anyone who even as much as bothered a glance toward me. “Is it that obvious?”

He prodded the vegetables on his plate with a thoughtful expression. “Kinda. You wouldn't believe how easy you are to read.” _Oh, I know. In fact, this isn't the first time you're telling me this, but it's not like you'd remember._ At that, he smiled again, this time a bit sheepishly, completely unaware of the pitiful monologue inside my head. But his smile looked wonderful, and brought me some relief from my ever loud consciousness.

I was too aggravated to eat lunch among him. Also, I realized I'd probably do better not paying five bucks for food that my stomach wouldn't agree with anyway. I'd persevere.

My elbows propped on the table, I sank my chin into my open palms. “So, what do you think? Three guesses.” Although I doubted he'd even need one. With me, it was never particularly hard to figure out what was bothering me. So, his answer did not manage to surprise me.

“Is it Levi?” he asked in a tired voice. _And Bingo._ When I barely managed a sufficient nod, he tried his best not hide any signs of concern that nonetheless appeared in the form of his crinkled eyebrows.

He released a breath he'd been holding through his nostrils. It's not that he hated Levi, but Armin always had his own, strong personal opinions about literally every single thing. If he'd decided that something was bad, it probably was, and he'd immediately expect you to follow along with his precautions for the thing. Said thing, in this case, being Levi. Yes, Armin might have come off as sweet and impossibly tolerant, but he was also manipulative and cunning as hell. Had always been, and that did not only apply to the reincarnated Armin. That was _his_ essence. A person who knew how to get _exactly_ what he wanted. By bringing out the worst in people.

“I don't know why you're letting him do this to you. He's an asshole and you could do _much_ better, to be honest.” He leaned across the table and shot me a meaningful look that I wished I could unsee.

“You make it sound like we're in a relationship.” I laughed as I brushed off yet another comment stemmed from the fact that Armin, despite his genius, had no actual idea. Had no idea of my connection to Levi nor the reason why I continued to need him so much. Not as much physically as emotionally – I needed those long talks, the consolation, his assurance. Someone to help me up from the agonizing solidarity I'd long ago fallen into. The things I thought I'd been missing all along. It wouldn't have essentially mattered if he'd been a physical, actual person, or a voice inside my head.

Or that's what I'd been telling myself for the past month or so. _I just needed someone to tell me I'll do just fine as I am._

“You sure practically act like a married couple already.” He mumbled, and gave up on his plate as well as my stubbornness. The fork was set down with scary symmetric accuracy next to the dull knife, and he allowed himself a moment of silence. I'd learned by then to not interrupt his meditation minute. Instead, I took the time to cynically inspect the neatly stacked vegetables on his plate. Far from fresh and about as appetizing as the table they were set on. Actually, no, I'd rather have eaten the table. With the money we were paying, you'd think the school could afford fresher ingredients, but no.

When Armin finally opened his eyes again, he'd seemingly cast aside and forgotten whatever segment about our conversation had ticked him off in the first place. The familiar smile was back.

“How did your Math test go?” He asked instead, opting for a change of topic. Which was welcome, really. I don't know what I had been thinking when I so clearly knew his opinion already. Instead, I grinned as I gave him optimistic thumbs up across the table.

“Seventy eight points.” As Math had always been one of my worst subjects, that alone was a really big accomplishment for me. I'd always preferred humanities over Math, Physics and the likes of. When passing tests became a challenge, I turned to Armin, who had since become pretty much my personal tutor. He insisted. Before I knew it, I was also getting assistance for subjects I didn't even realize I'd been lacking in. Somehow, my averages began their steady ascent, which would eventually look great on my report card.

So, with my thumb still pointing towards the ceiling, I gave my look of gratitude to the boy held accountable for this tremendous success. The boy who returned my thanks with a nod of his head and a satisfied half-smile behind closed lids.

“Good, I knew you could do it. Yes, this is much better than last week.”

Catching myself in the act of snickering over his misplaced words of praise, I cleared my throat. “It's all you, though.”

“What?” Armin asked with puzzlement, a light grin dancing across his lips. “No, Eren, this is the result of your hard work. School isn't as difficult as everyone says it is, but you can't just expect good results to fall from the sky.” His fingers slowly tapped against the tabletop in the manner of a thoughtful pause. “The time you've been putting into actually studying is just paying off. I mean, I have helped, sure, but it's almost entirely you.”

I was about to argue, tell him that without his matter-of-fact explanations and unfathomable patience for blockheads like myself, I wouldn't have been as well off as I was. Without letting me talk back, Armin stood, grabbing his tray.

“Don't worry; It's not like I'm leaving you to your own devices from now on. “ Still grinning, he looked around, almost like he'd been expecting something good to happen any moment.

“Let's go?”

 

 

Mikasa and I were lounging downstairs on the wide couch that had been in our possession since I could stand on my own two feet, when dad arrived home from work. Our favorite crime drama was on TV, so both of us opted to exchange familiarities right from where we sat, eyes still fixated on the unraveling psychological conflict between the protagonist and the criminal mastermind.

In fact, the culmination of the episode also left us blinded to Grisha's arrival as he plopped down on the couch next to us. Only when the first gunshots started firing through the air, - cue me turning to observe Mikasa's reaction to the scene, which practically screamed unnecessary shock value – was when I finally took notice of dad.

The thing was, he looked tired. Really tired. Exhausted, even. Not unlike I'd ever seen him during our short while in Trost. Heck, even his constant overtime back at the clinic didn't take that much out of him for the most part.

Mikasa had noticed too. Her hand now lay firmly on his shoulder. I shifted for the remote to turn the volume down; both of us could care less about the fact that the main character had just taken a bullet to the chest. That could wait. He was not real. Our father was real. And on the verge of falling apart.

Grisha smiled, mostly out of our concern for him. But his smile was weak, tired and couldn't be seen in his eyes. The pair of old, round glasses were propped on his forehead, and normally shoulder-length hair tied haphazardly into an impromptu ponytail. Dad still hadn't changed out of his white coat and I could immediately tell it had been a shit day for him; only one of the sleeves had been rolled up and it looked like the buttons of the coat had been secured either in a hurry or by anxious, trembling hands.

Plus, he reeked of smoke. I knew doctors smoked, but that it was usually stress-induced. I also knew dad hadn't picked up a cigarette not even once in his life before. The scent of burnt tobacco seemed so out-of-place lingering over him that all I could do was stare dumbfoundedly as my father broke character. It was so unlike him to be this unorganized mess.

“Hey, dad, ” Mikasa began, rubbing circles into his tensed shoulder with her thumb.

“Rough day?” The question was more rhetorical than anything, because the answer was right in front of our eyes. But still, I _had_ to ask.

Grisha scoffed lightly, rubbing his eyes, which I could easily assume were tired and causing him pain again.

“Just putting my degree to use, kiddo.” There was that tone to his voice where I knew he was quoting someone, and I suddenly felt anger rise within me. Some prejudiced assfuck had doubted dad's education again. Either that or mocked him for where he'd transferred from. Knowing dad's contribution to the clinic and all the years he'd sacrificed of himself to the sick and injured, my blood boiled without warning. Mikasa had to turn away from Grisha to apply pressure on my shoulders.

“Eren,” turning to me, she used her authoritative voice to snap me back to attention, knowing full well it would work on me. This time, though, I felt uneasy and wiggled around under the strength of her arms. It's not that Mikasa was particularly strong in this lifetime, but she knew all the tricks that worked on me and which buttons to press. If I didn't reach consensus with the anger inside of me, a merciless assault on my ribs was sure to follow. Truthfully, it wasn't the time to be acting like a child. I felt that the more I connected with my fifteen-year old self, the more fragile my inner twenty-year old would grow, and eventually fade completely. I couldn't let something like that happen.

“Don't you guys worry about it,” Dad rasped, and managed a somewhat believable half-smile. “It's up to me to prove myself – handling pressure is one of the main qualities of a proper doctor, remember? I need to sort this out myself.” And he was speaking so damn ambiguously that I couldn't figure out whether he'd had a really difficult case or a fight with a co-worker.

“Anyway,” he said, with a clever glint in his eyes “I've got something for you two.” Me and Mikasa shared a confused look when Grisha pulled a plastic bag from behind the couch. The bag itself indicated that he'd been to an electronics store, but I couldn't exactly believe what I was seeing before two small boxes had been lifted from their plastic cage.

Cellphones.

 

 

 

 

 


	9. There's a trigger, after all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY IN ADVANCE, but this chapter is nearly 7k words altogether. I just couldn't find a decent spot to cut it off without leaving something to look forward to. (I hope you'll forgive me and read through it anyway~)
> 
> Anyway, hope ya'll enjoy this late Valentine's day update, although the Levi/Eren in this chapter is, once again, very minimal. (Better times are coming, I swear)

Eren's POV

 

I'd made a grave mistake.

Never trust Armin with information about your deficiencies in a field that he knows too much about (which is fundamentally everything). You _will_ be judged and you _will_ be educated. I should have known, considering my everlasting experience with my studies. Should have expected for him to react like that.

But how do you even manage to get worked up over something so trivial? So what, I don't know my way around the bustling metropolis that essentially is Trost. Big deal. My apathy wasn't acknowledged in the form of Armin's mouth so far agape that I feared he'd never close it again. To his eyes, I already lost major points not knowing about his favorite bookstores or _that one really good ice cream place_ downtown. As if that in itself wasn't enough already, I couldn't locate any of the cinemas, major malls or the more prestigious schools in the near area.

And _that's_ when I asked him a question regarding the location of the Trost Central Hospital – my father's workplace – which I hadn't gotten around to learning yet. In fact, saying that would have potentially been the first in the list of the many 'not do's' that should be avoided at all costs around Armin Arlert.

How could I have _possibly_ known that announcing my incapability of orientating around town was something he'd take so personally? For something intended as a vague remark, it certainly would've taken weeks to wash off that look of pure, unadulterated shock that just might've torn his face in half if I didn't know any better.

He was somewhat right, though. I should have known my way around enough to at least avoid getting lost by now. It had been a month. It was just that I physically never really went anywhere else other than school anyway. As of recent, it had started eating up all my spare time as I found myself focusing more and more on my studies each day. It was rare for me to get out of the house, even walk to the convenience store, without a good reasoning. Despite the fact, that - with Grisha's first paycheck from the hospital - our finances were off to a steady recovery, money was still sort of a tender topic. We couldn't afford excessive expenses and most of our money still went on food, bills and paying back our old loans.

So, without nearly ever having left home for the past month, I found myself genuinely awestruck by the large variety of entertainments the big city had to offer. I'd never noticed how huge Trost actually was compared to our small neighbourhood in Shiganshina. Not that the two could even be compared to eachother. Trost was like the superlative of the noun 'metropolis', while Shiganshina represented something else entirely.

And, as far as mistakes can take you, my current situation wasn't half bad. Malls, theatres, gyms and parks and libraries and night clubs and restaurants and all which I'd previously known to only exist in the world of television now laced the streets in front of my feet. The kind of environment that all of my past fictional heroes roamed in. Barely realistic, and so far out of my reach at the time.

Skyscrapers loomed in the distance, tearing holes into clouds foregrounding the darkening sky. Seemingly miniature windows lit up one after one like stars, and behind each one was a person going about their business. The city was coming to life. I didn't feel like I could ever become a part of that steady yet spontaneous rhythm.

And yet, there I stood. Gaping like a kid in a candy store, unable to pick and unable to focus on a sole thing. The cold December air danced over my reddened cheeks, nipping lightly at the tender skin, and the sounds and lights of the big city roused every sense in my brain to life. Loud club music blasted from speakers somewhere behind us. The smell of food tingled my nostrils when sweet champagne and tender filet mixed with steaming pizza and hamburger from the nearby food wagon.

I felt so alive, for some unexplainable reason. I never really cared for noise and flashing lights before, and up until that moment I'd honestly thought I preferred peace and quiet and the company of close friends. Either I'd gotten so caught up in the moment, or I had some serious re-evaluating to make, I was absolutely awestruck.

Armin was laughing next to me. In fact, we'd been very noisy generally throughout the evening, but on these streets, at this darkening hour, no one really cared. A couple of passer-bys smiled or nodded at us, in fact. Roaring laughter erupted from nearby. The surprised yelp of a young woman.

“I have no idea where we are, Armin, but this is great!” I yelled just to be heard, the rumble of vehicle engines drowning my voice.

The blonde threw his head back and laughed. “Well, in that case, _you have to see_ what the town centre is like!”

There was no hurry, and no worrying over ending up lost. I had my phone, freshly equipped with the number of my trusty, bowl-haired GPS, who claimed to know the area like the back of his hand. Apparently.

“My parents own a small store around here. A family business, sort of,” he half-yelled, and manoeuvred between the horde of pedestrians walking towards us. I lost sight of him for a second. When he reappeared from the crowd, I turned and regarded him with a wide smile that must've reached my ears. Armin halted in his tracks and inclined his head to stare back at me questioningly.

“What?”

_Nothing. I'm just so glad you're happy in this world. So fucking happy, Armin, you have no idea._

“It's nothing,” I brushed it off, letting my grin cease somewhat to a small, polite smile. That didn't return Armin to his usual demeanour, though. He was staring at something further away in the distance, and I had to turn around to get a look.

A familiar figure just a couple hundred meters away was bracing the streets, although looking far more exasperated with his current situation than we were. A furry strip of synthetic animal hair adorned the hood of his jacket and black combat boots reached half-way up to his shins. What gave the person's identity away the most, besides everything else, was the fast, impatient strides he took to cross to the other side of the road.

“Is that Levi?” Armin asked incredulously. “I've literally _never_ seen him outside of school before.”

I licked my lips. The cold had done it's job and it surely had to be beyond repair now. Chapped, dry, chewed bloody as the result of anxiety. Aching.

My eyes followed Levi for another second before he disappeared into a more desolate corner and out of our sight. I admit, I was curious , and in any other situation would've gone right up to him and asked about this and that. Except we had not been on talking terms for almost a week now, and my pride got the best of me.

I nonchalantly turned to Armin, who had that look in his eyes again. Like I was going to do something idiotic. Stubbornly, I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jacket just to prove him wrong.

“Do you want to go get something to eat? I'm getting hungry.” Which was very true. I had not eaten anything since morning, and my stomach grumbled to get it's well-justified attention.

He regarded me with a wary look and those same crinkled eyebrows for a good while before his expression cleared up again.

“Sure,” he smiled. “Come on, I know a _great_ place!”

 

The air in the small diner we'd entered was thick with the smell of food. Warm and mouth-watering food, no doubt. I groaned, definitely positive I would have been able to forcefully push my way past the line at the registers. Which, not even exaggerating, was agonizingly long.

Armin noted my frustration and gently nudged my side with his elbow.

“I know they have a huge demand round-the-clock, but the wait is going to be _sooo_ worth it.” He managed a pretend pout. “What, don't you trust me?”

_“Just trust me, Eren. This will work.”_

I swallowed and tore my eyes from his. Letting out a nervous laugh, I scanned the diner for something else to busy my thoughts with: hearing that phrase from him again, I was almost positive I would vomit.

_Stop._

_Stopstopstopstop-_

_“I don't know about this, Armin. Something seems off this time around, I can't-”_

_“You don't trust me, Eren?”_

_SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP._

Ah, there it was.

My head was hurting again. We'd reached the register and while I wasn't familiar with the menu, I could've as well eaten raw fish at this point. I went with the same order as Armin. A fairly generic plate of cowboy potatoes and fried chicken fillet with a selection of sauces.

After paying up and receiving a table number (apparently, we were still going to have to wait for at least another 15 minutes for the food), we moved to the seating area. To nobody's surprise – every two-person table was occupied. Great.

Looking over the group tables, we'd decided to sit ourselves down next to the most harmless combo you'll ever come across in public – a middle aged woman and a small child. The mother seemed to be struggling with shovelling food into the daughter's mouth. The latter couldn't stop giggling. Seemingly over the ridiculous expressions of pure frustration that the mother regarded her with. Food kept falling out of her mouth back onto the plate. To a bystander, it was definitely an adorable sight to witness whereas the mother was probably dying on the inside.

“Um, excuse me, miss,” Armin began, and the woman's head snapped to the side so quickly I feared she'd broken her neck.

“What?” Her narrow hazel eyes were ablaze with misdirected irritation, and I realized that she literally looked _nothing_ like the daughter. The child's eyes were bright blue, much resembling Armin's, with fair skin. Her hair was golden and reached down to her waist. The woman looked, well, butch. She had fairly wide shoulders, tan skin and short brown hair that grazed just barely past her nape.

Also, she looked annoyed at having been interrupted, which in turn made Armin fidgety beside me.

“May we sit here?” I asked instead, seeing as Armin was about to start trembling had I let him handle her any longer.

“Uh,” her face cleared with realization, and the murderous expression ceased back to what seemed to be her usual annoyed composure. “Sure, go ahead.”

“Thanks,” I said, and both me and Armin took our seats beside the duo. Our food didn't arrive much later after that, pleasantly enough. For a while, we ate in peace, until the mother, who Armin had sat next to, groaned in retaliation and put down the spoon she'd been forcing into the child's mouth.

“Damn it, Chrissy, your mother's going to be pissed at me.” She rubbed circles into her forehead while the small blonde one found her exasperation humouring enough to continue her mindless cackling. I regarded the woman for a short moment, wondering if it would have been appropriate of me to make small talk.

“She's not your daughter?” I asked anyway.

“Nah, I don't have children” she turned to me with a sigh. “Christa's my friend's kid. I babysit more often than I'd like. She's a menace.”

“Auntie Ee-meer,” the tiny one, Christa, babbled.

“It's Ymir, you ungrateful dunce.” the woman said without any actual enmity, and used a tissue to wipe at the kid's slobbery mouth.

I had to set the cutlery down to brace myself. Armin had lifted his head from the plate to stare at me, but I could barely spare a glance at him as I incredulously stared at the reincarnations of Ymir, the Dancing titan, and Historia Reiss, the Queen inside the Walls. Eating dinner so casually, finally united, but never again to be what they used to.

I don't know how I hadn't noticed the moment I laid my eyes on them. It must've been the age differences. Historia had to be three years old at most, while Ymir was (at least seemed to be) in her early thirties. Although both were still fairly recognizable, the age really did it's trick.

Did these two ever get their once so desired reunion?

Which one of them watched the other die? Historia, because she's younger now?

_Stop._

I shot them a warm smile. “I'm Eren, nice to meet you.”

Ymir warily eyed me before letting out an acknowledging grunt. “Yeah. It's Ymir. I won't get offended if you don't get it right, don't bother. The tiny gigglebug over there is Christa Historia.” Seeing Historia pout at that, Ymir quickly fixed herself. “Just Christa for you, though. She's not really fond of that other one. Her mom thinks it's great, though.”

“I'm Armin,” the coconut across from me chimed in, seemingly having gotten over his fear of the brunette amazon. The latter responded with a nonchalant nod.

I turned to Historia. “It's a very pretty name, nonetheless. I think it suits you well.”

Her small cheeks turned red from either anger or embarrassment, but she didn't comment on it. Ymir shuffled in her messenger bag for a little while before standing and hanging it from her shoulder.

“Well, anyway, since she's probably not going to eat more, we'll be going now.” She helped Historia off her seat and the latter snaked her small hand into Ymir's palm.

“Cool meeting you, Eren. Armand.”

“It's Armin.”

“Right. See ya around.” She retorted apathetically. “Oh, and happy holidays, I suppose.”

“Happy holidays,” we responded in unison, whereas it looked that Armin seemed so much more sincere about it than I was. Holidays never really were my favorite thing. Or maybe the hype for it just receded with age. I'd seen almost forty different Christmases during my time on earth, after all. And not all of them wore the hypocritical coat of lies that are constantly shoved down your throat nowadays.

If there was anything I missed about the old world, it would have been less lies.

Ymir nodded and turned away immediately after that, when Historia halted for just a brief second to wave at us. And how do you ignore a child when they smile at you so solemnly? (Also when they're your old comrade from the 104th, who you haven't seen in two thousand years, but just in case don't tell anyone that.) Gripping Historia's hand with her's, Ymir led their steps through the diner and eventually faded from our line of sight. Armin let out a yielding breath.

“Well, that was something.”

I could only respond with an agreeing nod. His eyes found mine again.

“You do seem to have a habit of making friends with the weirdest people.”

“I know, right?” I said, picking at the still barely warm fillet. “I'm friends with you and all.”

He kicked me in the shin under the table, and although his demeanour was playful, Armin's tone indicated embarrassment. I hoped I hadn't made him feel bad, because I really loved him for all he was.

“Shut up,” he fortunately laughed, beet from the face. I feared he'd accidentally choke on the chicken or something, and resumed to make a joke about how I clearly was not qualified to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him in case he should. Following a short spasm of hiccuping laughter and heavy breathing, Armin turned back to his plate. We resumed eating, making idle chat that held no real meaning. I'd also managed to realize that this was, in fact, my first outing with a friend, ever. I shuffled back to the register, where the line had somewhat decreased from before, to get celebratory cake: I purposefully looked past all of those with chocolate frosting, not for what they could've potentially done when coming to contact with the inside of my mouth, but rather for who they reminded me of.

I was really a stupid, selfish kid.

“Eren?” came someone's voice from behind me. I turned my attention from the cakes to the tall blonde man questioningly looking down at me.

“Oh, Erwin. Hi. Long time no see.”

He regarded me with a very frank expression, totally different from what I'd witnessed on our first second meeting. There was a rather large cup of coffee clutched between his long fingers, and I figured this must've been his usual coffee place. At first glance, Hange was nowhere to be seen. He must've had come here on his own.

“Are you here with Levi today?” He asked, and I wanted to slam my head into the wall. Even though it was completely natural that his friends would associate me with him.

“No, why?” I realized very suddenly that I was already growing bored with this conversation. The first mention of Levi managed to have the hairs at my nape stand up and my fists balled up at my sides. But, at the same time, a painful jolt ran through my chest and the insides of my palms went slick with sweat. Like seemed to be the case quite often recently, I was torn between what I believed and what I actually felt. Again.

I told myself that it had been a hostile reaction, anyway.

Erwin looked around the diner, easily looming above nearly everyone else, and then focused his attention on me again.

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

That..kind of caught me off guard. “Me? Talk to _me?_ ” From his perspective, I was a friend of his friend's, and we'd only ever met once. So what in the world could he possibly want to talk about with me?

Somehow, I managed to forget the cake that I'd really wanted two minutes prior. “Sure, my friend and I have a table over there. Come join us if you'd like.”

“All right,” he nodded, and join us he did. No more than a minute later, he was sort of awkwardly squashed on the seat between Armin and an older woman in another company. And now it was clearly visible how huge Erwin was. He had to really hold himself still if he wanted to stay polite and refrain from bumping shoulders with anyone, which seemed to be his superior intention.

“Uhh, Eren..this is?” Armin helplessly whispered, and I realized that these two had not met in this lifetime. Once again, weird. I'd never get used to this, I thought.

“Oh, right. Armin, this is Erwin. Erwin, Armin.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” the older blonde politely said.

“Same here.”

I was growing more nervous by the second. Levi's description of Erwin, as well our first meeting, did not match at all with what I was seeing in front of me now. This well-kempt, polite, reserved person was all that the old Erwin Smith was, and supposedly nothing the present one should have represented. What the hell had happened to him in that short while?

Armin seemed to be delighted though. In his opinion, I now actually had some decent acquaintances who knew how to behave in company. I noticed his eyes that constantly darted from the contents on his plate, to Erwin, and back again. Like he was waiting for the moment when the taller man's eccentric side would show and he could cross yet another person off his list of _'Eren's potentially prude acquaintances'._ Except, I'd never even imagined 'Erwin the second' among the contents of that list. Was this really the same drunk man from the park who broke out into song, then toppled over his own feet? _It had been a god damn month_.

“So, Erwin, what did you want to talk about?” I finally urged, noticing the way his index finger tapped the edge of his cup. He looked up from the table.

“Ah, right. Actually, there are two things I'd like to discuss with you today, if you have the time?”

I looked to Armin questioningly, but all he replied with was a shrug. Well, if he wasn't going to give me a more precise answer, I'd just assume he'd be fine with it.

“I'll try my best to be helpful to you, Erwin, but honestly, I don't think there's much I can do-”

“It's about Levi,” he quickly cut in, and I could almost see Armin's eyeballs barrel roll inside his skull.

“...What about him?” I asked, probably coming off as annoyed, even though I had no intentions of being rude to Erwin.

He regarded me for a moment, wondering if it was alright to go on, before taking a sip from his coffee. He placed the steaming cup back down, and avoided my eyes, instead staring down on the smooth surface of the table.

“He hasn't contacted or responded to neither me or Hange in the past month or so. I was wondering if you knew what was going on with him. Is he sick?”

The information was surprising, but I was still too bitter to feel even somewhat glad at not being the only one deprived of my contact with him. A joyless laugh rolled off my lips before I could stop myself.

“He's just fine, goes to school at least.” I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding, and entwined my fingers on the tabletop. “We aren't exactly on speaking terms, so I'm not the best person to ask about him at the moment.”

Erwin nodded, looking slightly down. “It's just a bit weird. I mean, he's always at least pretended not to want to be in our company, but it's not like he's ever actually _expressed_ that thought. Never has he gone far enough to blatantly ignore us like this. Hange is the one who's taking this the hardest. I told them to give him time, but I just can't keep up with their nagging about it any more.”

He took another sip of his coffee, and I didn't interfere, because something told me he wasn't finished. And surely enough, he spoke up again as soon as the bottom of the cup hit the table.

“I must admit that at first I was a little sceptical of you, Eren. And that _weird roleplay thing_ the two of you did,” Across from me, Armin's eyes had turned to dinner plates, now dangerously close to abandoning their sockets. I swear to god, I was about to throttle Erwin. “At first I thought you were just pretending to go along with his nonsense for entertainment, and that it was somehow your fault that he's ignoring us now. But now I can see that you've also been put into this kind of situation, and I am honestly, _so sorry_ for misjudging you like that.”

I brushed him off with a wave of my hand. “Yeah, yeah, it's not the first time this has happened to me, anyway. And honestly, I'm not sure what you should do about Levi. Frankly, I'm pissed off at him, and most likely won't be any use to you as long as I am. He's just constantly doing something or going somewhere. And although I wish he'd tell me about it, I have no idea what he's up to.”

Erwin nodded: he seemed to have gotten my message. After a moment of obligatory silence for everyone to contemplate what had been said out loud, I leaned forward a little over the table, elbows propped on the wood.

“Now, what was the other thing?”

Erwin cast a quick, barely noticeable glimpse at Armin next to him and I saw the hesitance in his eyes.

“If you'd like,” I began. “We could discuss this elsewhere, if you're not comfortable with saying it in front of Armin.”

The tall blonde shifted awkwardly in his seat. “It's not that _I'd_ mind him listening in on this, but I figured that _you_ might find it conflicting if I spoke now.”

This could've potentially been about two things: my relationship with Levi that he and Hange were so keenly interested in, or _that other thing which I definitely did not want Armin to hear about_. If Erwin wanted to discuss _anything_ even potentially related to the nightmares that follow me at night, or that screeching voice in my head grazing at the last pieces of sane mind I've left, I was risking Armin's approval of my mental well-being. As long as he didn't remember (not like he ever would), the matters of the other world were mine and mine only. Not up for discussion by outsiders.

I stood, nodding to Erwin and shooting Armin an apologetic look.

“This should only take a second. You going to wait for me? I'm being an ass, so I don't mind if you want to ditch right now.”

The smaller blonde shrugged and picked his wallet from a coat pocket. “Sure, I'll get dessert or something.”

I was glad he seemed to understand by the direness in Erwin's tone that our matter was something to be discussed between four eyes and pronto. My eyes followed Armin to the register, but as soon as he was out of hearing range, I turned to Erwin.

We walked out of the diner, side by side, with a hurry to our steps. As soon as the door shut behind us, I followed Erwin as he led us a little further before turning a corner and halting.

“Look,” he sighed, and this time there was a fragile hint of impatience to his voice. “The thing you and Levi are playing at, pretending to be some kind of reincarnations from the past, that's.. not real, am I right?” When he noticed my raised eyebrow, his demeanour changed again, his eyes narrowing, tone almost desperate.

“I mean, what am I saying, there's no realistic probability to something like that, but,-” Erwin suddenly fell silent, contemplating his next words with darting eyes and a questioning expression.

“But what, Erwin?” I urged him, my patience running short.

“I..- A few days ago, I had a dream. A _really_ weird one. Unlike anything I've ever experienced. Highly realistic to the point where I woke up in sweat and wondered if that had not happened for real.” He looked hesitant and at war with himself, saying these words. My heart skipped a beat. There was something about what I thought he had just said that I wanted to believe.

“What kind of dream? And what would I have anything to do with it? _Unless..-_ ”

“It's not what you think it is!” Erwin cut in, voice slightly raised and wavering. “Most likely. Probably. I mean, there's really no way this could actually be happening.”

I had to lean against the wall for support. “I won't know if you don't tell me. What did you see?”

He paced around nervously, collecting himself.

“I was.. originally going to go to Levi with this. But as he doesn't seem to want to hear from anyone at the moment, I couldn't. And furthermore – after having that dream, I somehow know that I can trust you. I'm-” Erwin halted in his words, like he couldn't even believe what he wanted to say, or doubted the sanity of his own words. “I'm willing to believe whatever you'll throw at me, Eren. Just this once. About reincarnations, second lives, whatever. But I want it to matter. I _want_ to trust you.”

I was dumbfounded, and befittingly, all I could do was gape at Erwin. So, it seemed like he was actually _regaining_ his memories. No matter how ridiculously impossible it sounded. But how, and why? What had triggered it, and why was it happening this late on in his life?

“I was in a forest with these enormous fantasy-like trees. On a horse, no less, although I've never ridden a day in my life. But somehow, I knew exactly what do to, how to subject the horse to my will. I felt the wind, Eren. I felt my own hearbeat, the dull ache in my thighs. Around me where soldiers in military uniforms, with metal contraptions secured to their belts. I remember how they addressed me, it felt so off-”

“Commander,” I interrupted his monologue and the half-assed explanation of an experience I knew all too well. “Yeah, I think that's what Levi had been trying to tell you all along, wasn't it?”

There might have been some blame in the tone of my voice, because his eyes widened somewhat when obvious guilt framed his expression.

“Oh, come on, Eren! Are you telling me you'd believe something like that right off the bat? He was just some kid, barely a middle schooler back when he came up to me and Hange and started saying all this stuff. At first, we let him hang around for our own entertainment, because we figured he was just a little nutty. But, weird thing is, people eventually grow on you. I guess neither of us really expected for him to keep true to his bizarre theories all the way until high school. _I'm not_ like you or Levi, I'd like to believe I'm more rational than that. I need proof, solid evidence, supporting theories. That's why I'm willing to concede now. I just need _something_ that proves I'm not going mad and that this was not just some drug-induced hallucination or some sick joke conducted by the two of you.”

It was understandable that he couldn't shut up. I don't know if even Levi could've kept it to himself in this situation. But as much as I would've liked to be the supportive person that never judges and always speaks to others in a hallucination-causing tone, I just couldn't focus on everything that left his mouth. Instead, my thought drifted and I made a connection. In fact, it had to be one of my most reasonable ones yet.

The flashbacks I experienced had drastically increased in frequence of occurrence just recently. It must have been due to meeting Armin, Levi, Jean, Erwin and Hange that more and more often these memories would be released from the back of my head. And just like that, it was possible that meeting other reincarnations had triggered some kind of switch that activated the flow of memories for Erwin.

I couldn't have been sure, and there had always been explainable reasoning for doubting my logic. Hell, I hadn't even done that much thinking in a long while. But now, this just made so much sense. I wasn't going to lie that I didn't feel even a little bit proud.

“Erwin, calm down,” I managed my best assuring tone. As far as he needed to be concerned, I would be the expert who understood everything. “I'll tell you whatever you want to know, and will try to help you however I can. Just please, calm down. You're making this harder than it should be.”

He stopped pacing at that, and looked a little apologetic, although not completely unnerved. His nostrils were still flared, mouth hanging half-open.

“You're right, Eren. I'm sorry. This is new for me, you must understand.”

I blew out air through my nose. “No, I should be saying that. I'm sure you're pretty fucking confused right now.” Letting out a nervous laugh, I carded my fingers through the strands of my hair. It had gotten long recently. I was going to need a haircut. “I know I'm not making things very easy for you.”

The thing was, he deserved a proper explanation. At this pace it was still going to take years for him to even begin to understand anything. And although I, who had already earned back most of my memories through the equivalent exchange of year for a year, was most definitely the best person to give that explanation to Erwin, I still did not want to do it alone. I wanted Levi to be there while I would, as much as I hated admitting it at that point.

He'd been a completely different person during the first week or so. He had told me what was on his mind, held me, displayed genuine affection, which was a first for him. Then some time went by and it was like the Levi I knew never left, and I was feeling even worse than I did before now that I knew the alternative was possible. I think I used to love him, but this time I didn't want to give all of myself to someone like that.

“Do you have Levi's number?” I asked then, letting each syllable roll off my tongue with consideration, almost startled by the tone of my own voice when it sounded alien to me. To Erwin, I might have even sounded certain, or confident, although I wasn't sure I felt that way in reality. The back of my throat went dry. I still needed Levi, but his actions left me indecisive more often than not. I didn't know what to do with myself.

It had become so simple to unnerve at the least significant of things. As if my bluntness and that stupid characteristic confidence had already long since abandoned me. Truthfully, I was positive they were still there, just fading. More and more with each passing day, I was becoming a person I couldn't recognize. With each reasonable decision, alongside giving every thought careful consideration as others urged me to, I was giving pieces of myself away one by one. Every time I put the opinions of the audience first, I'd been destroying myself from the inside. I'd forgotten myself. Time had made it so easy for me to.

But I felt it now. Starting at the surface of my bones and at the ends of my nerves. The old me, the one that everyone would remember, resurfacing, shining brighter. A gear turned in my brain and triggered a chain reaction. Suddenly, everything was spinning around in some messed-up symphony of revelations. No matter how many times I'd been called idiotic for it in the past, there are times when you need to take immediate, unconsidered action. Act on impulse, get swept along by the current.

_Don't think twice, just do it. You never used to be like this, Eren._

Regret later, then work on patching up the mistakes you've made. Live like you used to. Live to make those errors. Live to feel alive.

_What happened to you?_

I never wanted … this world to change me.

For once I could agree with something _it_ was trying to tell me.

Erwin fumbled around in his pocket. “Sure,” he retorted. “But don't think I haven't already tried to contact him a hundred times: your attempts are as good as wasted at this point.”

I pulled out my cell when he'd found his and had him recite Levi's number. Before I was fully ready to press the 'call' button, I regarded Erwin with a long look. What mattered most to me, and what should have been of utmost urgency to Levi was that he was remembering. Although it probably would have been better for Erwin himself to not ever recognize _anything_ from his past. There'd for sure be inner conflict when his principles clash, when he'd become to see everything in a different light, see all of which I have with tenfold horror. He would never be Erwin Smith in the way his friends knew him again. Such was the tragic fate of us who remembered.

“No offense, Erwin, but this isn't the first time I've seen Levi act like this. It's unfair to tell you this right now, but back in my military days, he'd more often than not give me the cold shoulder. I mean, I hated it, as you'd figure, but I also found out that the best way to break past his prissy mood swings is to be pushy. Deliberately impose yourself on him and be clever about it, so he has no other choice, but to hear you out.”

He seemed to be somewhat confused by the point I was trying to make, rather focusing on the one piece of information that conflicted with himself. Erwin wasn't yet able to refer to any of his past as 'his military days', and his eyebrows knit together as he battled with his better judgement.

“If that asshole is so keen on ignoring his friends, there's surely the chance he'd pick up a call from someone whom he couldn't identify. Right?” I wasn't asking for his opinion as much as I was enforcing mine. After all, we hadn't had the chance to exchange numbers yet. And Levi was so thoroughly predictable.

If more of today's phones had buttons, mine would have broken in half with the force I applied to my right thumb. And if I ever once hesitated during the ambiguously obnoxious beeping of the dial tone, I couldn't have been precise enough to capture the exact fracture of a second my breath got stuck in the back of my throat. I didn't feel it. No nervousness. No anything.

A click against the lobe of my right ear indicated the call had been picked up. Someone shuffled on the other end, presumably shifting the device around, before the younger version of that same husky voice filled my ear canal and all I could think of was how angry I'd previously been at just the thought of that voice.

_“Hello. Who is this?”_

“Surprise, motherfucker,” I retorted nonchalantly, and looking up at Erwin, saw the latter's eyes blown wide in shock. Just a suggestion; don't do this to anyone unless you've been associated with said asshole for over two millenniums. Or the two of you should by any chance get along well enough to exchange familiarities of that degree. Then, by all means, go ahead.

Levi and I, had never been and we're not, at that stage in our relationship. No matter how many times he'd had his dick up in me and how many times I'd thought it actually meant something to him.

After a longer pause during which I thought he'd actually dropped the call, Levi's incredulous tone had the pleasure to grace my ear again.

 _“Eren? What the actual fuck.”_ he let out a sigh that I just knew came with a complementary eye roll. But strangely enough, he didn't sound particularly annoyed. Leave it up to me to not know when I shouldn't push my boundaries.

“Now listen here and listen good,” I said without any actual hint of demand for attention in my voice. At this point every second that Levi _did not_ end the call was a miracle on it's own.

“Since you've been so graciously shutting out all of your friends for the past month, I thought I'd inform your Highness that Erwin just came to me with a very interesting story.” And _holy shit_ was I always this sarcastic? Something told me I'd be regretting my very self-satisfying sass later on.

 _“What?”_ As I figured, he was still keeping that not-giving-a-shit image. Well, he'd eventually be interested in what I'd have to say.

“He's remembering.”

Silence.

“Didn't you hear what I just said, Levi? Erwin's remembering,” I reiterated with a little more urgency.

_“I heard you the first time. Are you completely, one hundred percent sure?”_

Told ya.

“Christ, Levi, yes! I ran into him at this diner and he told me in extreme detail about the flashback he'd had, but also how you'd been ignoring all his attempts at reaching you, so I figured your stupid ass needed a wake-up call.” My patience with Levi could go far beyond all comprehensible human limits, but not when it came to him doubting my sincerity.

“Look, I don't care what kind of ideas you have on maintaining a healthy friendship, or whatever the hell you've been spending your days doing recently – We need to get together and discuss this, for Erwin's sake and ours, because there's a chance we can get everyone else to remember too.”

This time, thank fuck, he spoke up. I wasn't certain what I should expect when I'd hear his voice again after that outburst, but as far as tolerating my rudeness, he'd been surprisingly flexible today.

_“I understand. Actually, your timing isn't shit-poor for once. There's something I've been meaning to discuss with you as well.”_

Huh? “Wha-”

His tone was warning and somehow sent shivers running up my spine when he swiftly cut me off. _“Meet me at the park as soon as you can. And, Eren, don't bring him with you.”_

“What the hell, Levi?” I acknowledged my voice raising and saw it in the form of Erwin's facial features stiff with tension, but honestly, who does he think he is?

“I've got plans with Armin. I can't just randomly cancel out on him!”

I admit it, I was shouting into the phone. Well, it's not like it mattered. By the time the first syllables had left my lips, I was met with the dull ringing of the dial tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to clarify something that I thought people might find odd : When Eren speaks to Erwin about interacting with past!Levi, and more often than not needing to be pushy about it, I meant it more as a matter of Levi's pride, not that Levi had ever ouright rejected Eren and that Eren was somehow forcing himself onto Levi. (Which by the way isn't okay at all, and is actually a common characteristic of an abusive relationship. Although their relationship in the past was very complicated as well, there has always been consent from both sides) I by no means meant to romanticize forcefulness and not taking 'no' for an aswer. (Get consent, kids!)
> 
> just in case, my tumblr is still captain-short-shit.tumblr.com


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